As you know, I have a thing for evening gowns.  Every awards season, my inner pageant girl gets extremely giddy at all the promise the red carpet has to offer.  So today, we set aside our regular programming for a sometimes-sweet, sometimes-snarky recap of last night’s Emmy Red Carpet.

There wasn’t a lot to get excited about on this year’s red carpet.  Frankly, if it weren’t for the truly hideous gowns, I would have fallen asleep before the ceremony even began.  Here is the list of dresses that were either close-but-no-cigar or a full on snooze-fest.  So much meh, so little time.

image c/o Just Jared

In any other year, Lucy Liu and her Robocop-Goes-to-the-Emmy’s frock would have ended up on the Worst Dressed List.  I love sequins, but even I have limits.  And paillette chain mail is where I have to draw the line.

That being said, the Versace dress does fit her perfectly.  No small feat when most of the actresses looked like their dresses weren’t even tailored.  And given that she looks smoking hot at 43, I decided to upgrade her to the middle of the pile. 

image c/o Getty Images

I’m sure Edie Falco’s high, sleek ponytail and curled bangs looked great until she hit the sweltering hot red carpet.  So I’m going to let the hair go.  

This off-the-rack Stella McCartney dress would be flattering with a better bra, especially given that the neckline shows off her toned arms.  But while I get what she was going for, the whole look just leaves me cold.  Hey, at least her stylist will still have a job tomorrow.

image c/o Just Jared

Last week, my Facebook and Twitter feeds were overloaded with the cries of thousands of young women heartbroken that Amy Poehler and Will Arnett were separating.  Because if two seemingly-normal Hollywood celebs can’t make it, who can?  Oh, right, not a good barometer for marital success.

Anyway, last night was Amy’s first solo red carpet walk so I was expecting pure awesomeness.  What I got was Stella McCartney does middle-America prom dress.  This black-sequined halter took bor-ing! to a whole new level and I loved the way the body-hugging fabric so clearly delineated where her Spanx ended and her slight muffin-top began.

image c/o Just Jared

Kat Dennings’ latest role is that of a smirking, Jewish-hipster Jessica Rabbit.  Her dress, held up with a combination of double stick tape and prayer, was made by J. Mendel.  And besides the cartoon-eye-popping cleavage, the rest of the dress is just meh.

image c/o Just Jared

I just want to take this moment to commend Zooey Deschanel for making the arduous climb from the pit of cartoony-twee costume dresses to the middle-of-the-pack.  So while this Reem Acra may not be epic, it is leaps and bounds ahead of last year’s Coal Miner’s Daughter ensemble.

image c/o Getty Images

Julie Bowen always seems to find her way into the runner-up category, and this neon-lime Monique Lhullier won’t help her snag the sash and tiara this year.  While the fit of the dress is flattering and the style is nice, the highlighter-brightness does nothing for her.  In fact, it makes her spray tan and blonde locks look overprocessed and a bit haggard.  Too bad.

This red carpet was a remedy for insomnia.  Melissa McCarthy’s dress looked like it was made from a black shroud, and Mindy Kaling’s gown looked like it was choking her.  The ladies from The Big Bang Theory hit a couple of line drives, but no home runs.  Christina Hendricks’ Rubenesque figure looked lovely in her gown, but the color washed her out.  And while there was nothing wrong with Julia Louis Dreyfuss’s gown, there wasn’t much to get excited about either.