With the airing of the Primetime Emmy Awards last night, awards season has officially begun. But other than starting the countdown to the Golden Globes, there wasn’t much to celebrate. The red carpet was a seemingly endless parade of bland dresses and hideous gowns. But much like a fiery car crash, I couldn’t look away, and the result was the longest list of ugly gowns that I have ever compiled.
image c/o Getty Images
There were a number of mullet dresses on the Emmy carpet, but January Jones took it to the next level with this Zac Posen gown. This is what I imagine Wednesday Adams’ wedding dress would look like, but even she would have had the good sense to wear less eyeliner.
Speaking of the Adams Family, Lena Headey came in Morticia Adams’ Mother of the Bride dress. Never has a woman looked trashy and matronly at the same time until now, like a Frederick’s of Hollywood muumuu.
And that lifeless gym ponytail only makes me more depressed. What happened to the gorgeous tasteful woman who was at the top of my Best Dressed List last year?
I nearly fainted when I saw this dress was Armani. I don’t know how the same man who made Headey’s Queen of the Damned frock made the to.die.for hero dress that Anne Hathaway wore to the 2009 Oscar’s. It just doesn’t seem possible.
“Those bleached out locks really bring out your features and warm up your skin tone, Elizabeth Moss” said no one ever.
This dress must be from the Dolce & Gabbana Home Collection available at Kohl’s. What other explanation could their be for a garish floral print with a high-low hemline and ruffles for miles? Perhaps our friends at D&G were doing a subtle homage to Scarlett O’Hara and dressing Mad Men’s plucky heroine in drapery?
Two dresses made by Italian design houses. Two dresses made of upholstery fabric. But only this dress, by Miuccia Prada, comes with a health warning that it may cause epileptic seizures in children or trigger migraines in adults. So bright, so busy.
And why not add the train? Three yards of eye-numbing fabric just was not enough.
Beyond the print, there is one other think terribly wrong with Julianna Marguiles’ gown: the center seam running the entire length of her body. Bisecting her body in that manner just makes her look wide and dumpy, two things she is not.
image c/o Getty Images
Kristen Wiig is endlessly talented, just not at choosing red carpet attire. Every awards show it’s the same thing, a nude ill-fitting dress that washes her out, and a pair of terrible and terribly boring shoes. This year, she appears to have chosen her dress from the Miss Havisham nightgown collection.
Because I don’t have HBO, this dress and the clip of her eating cake while sitting on a toilet naked is my first introduction to Lena Dunham, so color me not impressed.
While she’s really working the short, choppy bob, this Prada gown makes her look like a short, stout and scowling Little Teapot wrapped in a blue lace cozy.
image c/o Getty Images
Zut alors! Ariel traded Ursula her voice for real legs so that she could walk down the red carpet and find her prince charming. Oh wait, it’s not Ariel, that mermaid could actually sing.
No, it’s Julianne Hough famous for such box office smashes as the completely-unecessary-and-heartbreaking remake of Footloose, Burlesque and Rock of Ages. You didn’t see those timeless cinema classics? Don’t worry neither did anyone else.
Oh, and if I made a deal with a two-ton octopus to find my Prince Charming and the man waiting for me on land was Ryan Seacrest, I’d be eating octopus sashimi for dinner.
Before we get to my selection for worst dressed, let me say that the truly horrifying thing about last night’s red carpet, is that my Worst Dressed list could keep going.
I could talk Ashley Judd’s prom dress, and the hairdo so tall that the FAA had to clear airspace over Hollywood & Highland. Jena Malone’s black-from-a-bottle-of-Sharpie-fluid hair could have made the list. As could Kelly Osbourne’s lavender dress and silver-and-lilac dye job. And as much as I love Connie Britton, and I do, her Betty Rubble hair and unflattering sparkly frock proves that bad dresses really do happen to good people. Better luck next time, Tami Taylor!
Tomorrow, the alleys of Los Angeles will be littered with the bodies of murdered stylists. But even with this crop of ugly, no one was dressed worse than Portia de Rossi.
First off, let me say, that if this dress had been a gown, I probably would have loved it because I am a sucker for sheer and sequins. But an ill-fitting jumper with pockets and a high waist pant? Uh-uh.
This bottle of champagne may be empty, but not even a good Roederer buzz can make this outfit look good. And don’t even get me started on that white clutch and the pointy toe shoes. This ensemble might need to be elevated to Worst Emmy Look of All Time.
So whose Emmy look gave you the shivers in a bad way?