In my younger years, I was a know-it-all. I was certain I belonged at the table. I bickered with senior staff, raised my hand even when I shouldn’t have, and was absolutely certain I was going to make it.
Was it obnoxious? Probably. Okay, yes. But I needed that arrogance to get me through.
When you come from a small town where people expect you to stay put and tell you that your dreams are stupid and your odds of success are minimal, you need a chip on your shoulder just to get out. Every ex-boyfriend who said I was ‘too much’ and every teacher who told me to aim a little lower was just fuel for the voice inside of me that said, “Show them.” I needed to prove them all wrong, and for a long time, that was enough.
But somewhere along the way, I brushed that chip off of my shoulder.
I’m not sure exactly when. Maybe it was after I proved enough people wrong that it stopped mattering. Maybe it was after enough rejections, mistakes, and nights lying awake replaying something dumb I said in a meeting. Maybe it was meeting enough people who were just as good or better and figuring out that I wasn’t so special after all. But whatever happened that confidence is gone, and it took a lot of my ambition with it.
These days, I second-guess everything: every email, every post, every idea I pitch. I catch myself fretting that this is the wrong path or the wrong choice or the wrong everything. I am constantly struggling with not feeling like enough in ways that 26-year-old me would have laughed at. She wanted everything, and she was sure she’d get it. I barely know the woman who believed in herself so much that she entered every room like God sent her.
So what happened?
Is losing my edge a part of aging?
Is it the perspective that comes with meeting people who are smarter, better, and more disciplined?
Is it personal growth to stop using spite as fuel?
Or did I just lose my mojo somewhere between the husband, the baby, and the job changes that came with them?
Maybe it’s all of the above.
Here’s what I do know: I don’t want the youthful arrogance back, but I’d love to get some of that fire — the clear eyed determination that once pushed me through walls like the Kool-Aid Man. Instead, I find myself unwilling to take risks or ask for favors, and constantly unsure of whether anything I’m doing is right. Or worse, being absolutely certain that it’s wrong. And as I embark on this new phase of my career, I could use a lit match in my hand. Or at least enough smolder to work on building a steadier, more level-headed confidence, because that’s what I would like to project to my daughter.
I have a feeling I’m not the only one trying to bridge this chasm in middle age. So tell me, have you lost a bit of your mojo too? And if you got it back, how?
+ Are clothes worse now? An investigation. (Instyle)
+ The green color on this $39 sweater is sublime.
+ This video explains the rise of the mid-life ‘baddie bots’ selling you supplements. (Charlotte Parler)
+ Evereve is having a sale on sale. This dark denim top caught my eye.
+ These women never they’d change last names, but did it anyway. (WaPost)
+ A non-aerosol dry shampoo that won’t parch your scalp.
+ Can being called “detailed oriented” stall your career? (The Conversation)
+ The color combination on this striped cashmere polo is sublime.
+ Cinnamon Pull Apart Bread for busy holiday mornings. (Eat the Love)
+ Welcome Winter: These chunky suede boots are for snow and these Chelsea rain boots are for rain.
+ Why is everyone romanticizing the 2010s? (Harper’s Bazaar)
+ This fleece jacket and this turtleneck cardigan are just proof Varley gets casual wear.
+ On ambition and motherhood coexisting. (Reddit)
+ This Christmas red sweater with a bow back is extremely cute.
+ Just as true today as it was six years ago. (Scary Mommy)
{this post contains affiliate links that may generate commission for the author; capitol hill style is a shopmy affiliate}
COMMENTS