This is when it hits me. The year is almost over. February lasted 1,237 years, and December will fly by. And I will be here on December 31st wondering how I got here.
This year was tumultuous, physically painful, and wholly unsatisfying. It was the year The Headache controlled my life and almost took my sanity. The year I tried to live, work and care for my daughter while a brass band played in my head 24-7.
It was the year I lost Avery. It has been 141 days since she died in my arms. I’ll let you know when I stop counting.
And, because I had to say something eventually, it might as well be now:
It was the year that I made partner at my firm after only two years as a practicing attorney, and then had to leave nine months later because it all became too much. The year when I woke up at 3:00AM in the middle of a panic attack, drenched in sweat, and just went back to work, because what else was there to do? My firm was the greatest place, with the best boss, and the weirdest, most strangely enjoyable work, but I was gasping for air and walking away was the only relief I could find.
So this was the year I put my career down to pick myself up. I’m transitioning to a different path, but I’m not ready to talk about it yet.
I will not toast to a New Year or hope in vain it will get better. I have been holding onto life by my finger nails since 2021. Instead, I will just listen to my daughter sleep and try to learn who I am in this life, in this place. Maybe I will like her. Maybe I will choose to be someone else. But I know I’m not going to take a break from thinking about it until January.
+ Sarah Paulson eulogized Diane Keaton by reading her text messages.
+ Yay or Nay on this pillow?
+ What should the discourse around plastic surgery be? Should we stay silent and let women make whatever choice they want, or should we be saying something about the cultural standards that make a 36-year-old woman go under the knife? A discussion.
+ I bought these monogrammable totes as Christmas gifts this year.
+ Bag up Eleven Madison Park’s granola to gift to friends this holiday.
+ This henley tee is the perfect 90s throwback. Also love this 2000s throwback shift.
+ Meet a NYC man who really should have kept his thoughts to himself.
+ Why do all the Smythe blazers have to be so good?!
+ Life is too short to fight with your family.
+ Chic Gifts: This Diptyque candle set and this voluminous cashmere scarf.
+ How a social media detox can boost mental health. (I unfollowed 23 accounts this weekend.)
+ These James Perse terry sweatshirt is so comfortable in real life.
+ A walking tour of the Big Apple’s Christmas window displays.
+ Do we think this neck lifting band works? Asking for a friend.
+ In case you needed a reminder: it’s okay to say ‘no’ to invitations this holiday.
+ This MAC eyeshadow palette has all my favorite hues.
+ It’s three weeks until Christmas. I have bought one gift for Sloane (but it’s big), so I will just pick up one more small-ish one (maybe this) and two stocking stuffers and call it a day. What is the gift you’re most excited to give this year?
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I’m excited to give gifts from Fishwife, Master of Malt, SAYSO, and Woobles this year! Everyone can crochet while they eat fancy tinned fish and drink imported scotch!
Sending you lots of love re: your personal challenges from this tough year. I’m extremely grateful for your corner of the internet and appreciate the time and energy you put into it.
We call that granola “the Stuff” and both my daughters and I have made it approximately once a week since we discovered it!
Wow, always impressed by your honesty. I hope 2026 brings professional clarity and fulfillment. Thank you for keeping up the blog during all this. It’s a bright spot in my day.
I don’t know if this will feel helpful but you’ve offered so many bits of advice over the years that have helped me I’m going to offer it and hope it lands well.
Part of growing older, and growing up, is realizing that as long as you can safely provide for yourself and your family you don’t have to DO something all the time. You are allowed to just BE. If you can take the pressure off yourself to figure out what comes next and what you should be doing, you will find the space and confidence to just BE and that truly, is enough for you and your loved ones.
There’s a reason that this blog is one of the few I’ve stuck with for a decade and a half, and counting. Your on-point style and recommendations is high up there, but the reason that trumps them all is your honesty. Thank you for sharing the hard things with us. It makes our hard things feel lighter. I am sorry you’ve had such a tough year, and hope and pray for the best for you on your new path, whatever it holds.
I took my mom to London this summer to see family. She bought a mug at Fortnum and Mason and then immediately left it in a cab. So I bought a replacement mug and am just sucking up the tariff costs to have it sent to me for a Xmas gift.
Damn. I’ll be ruminating on that plastic surgery essay all day. I agree with her; never having been someone who was interested in elective plastic surgery, injectables, or even the beauty industry as a whole, I appreciate a fresh perspective on a position I feel intuitively but lacked the tools to express well.
I understand wanting to do some work, but I think we’ve lost the thread on when and who should be doing it. I have 35-45 year old friends who want face lifts and it’s like, um, no plastic surgeon is going to give you a face lift at 35…then they just go to 5-10 people until they find someone who will.
I appreciated the anti-cosmetic surgery essay. I’m in my 50s, and I cannot believe that I am watching women in their 20s and 30s talking about their decision to have or not have procedures and surgeries. These women are beautiful. Why do they think they need this? I am just really starting to see the wrinkles and dark spots, and it is difficult to see yourself get older. But I am not a super model. I have a husband, who is also aging, and family and friends who do not care if my forehead is smooth or that I have quite a few more “freckles” than I used to. Of course, I care about my appearance and I’ve probably spent too much money on skincare. But when I see younger women obsessing over aging, it makes me so sad. I’m sad that they can’t see how beautiful they are, and I’m sad that they devalue the aging women they see around them. Anyway, I think we should all be discussing this more, because I think pretending like a culture obsessed with botox and plastic surgery is good for women is a big mistake.
We are gifting my 2.5 year old the Costco dupe of the nugget couch. I can’t wait to see her face light up once she realizes all she can do with it. She is the absolute best. Re: Career – I’ve embraced the career jungle gym vs the career ladder. Sometimes a side to side move is better than going straight up. Here’s to hoping your next career move is fulfilling and gives you the room you need to breathe.
I am so proud of you for honoring yourself by walking away from your law partnership. That is the ultimate in self-care Abra. And so frickin brave. Thanks for all you do for us.