Motherhood wiped away my identity in a way I was not prepared for, and have not recovered from. My entire life — what job I work, how I spend my off-time, how I structure my day, where I shop, where I eat, etc. — is influenced by my child. I adore her with every fibre of my being, but struggle to maintain a sense of self outside of her.
I find that I have started to neglect every part of my life. I routinely schedule and miss dentist appointments, chiropractic care, doctor’s visits. I am the queen of missed appointment charges. My nails look a mess. If I wasn’t going grey, my hair would probably suffer the same fate. The chore list grows ever longer. Eating healthy and working out seems like a punishment.
Hobbies? Gosh, you’re funny. I read a book on a plane last month and it was only the second one this year.
So if you’re a parent, how do you maintain some sense of self when the parenting schedules, chaos, and demands overtakes you? How do you still maintain who you are?
+ This Fair Isle sweater is just impossibly fun.
+ The easiest way to feel more organized, because life is chaos. (NYT Gift Link)
+ Holiday Look: Printed blouse, earrings, jeans, velvet flats.
+ 1 in 10 people used ChatGPT for social interaction and emotional support. (WaPo Gift Link)
+ This Varley sweater dress is perfect for Thanksgiving dinner.
+ Are you the default planner in your relationship? Prepare to feel seen.
+ Want to try my favorite shampoo? Save with code ABRA15.
+ Victoria McGinley explains why this Lily Allen album feels like reality TV.
+ Influencers were right, this striped tee is great. Spendy, but great.
+ How to recapture your 5-9 so you can enjoy your life.
+ I added these leopard Adidas sneakers to my cart. They’re too cool.
+ Hate pumpkin pie? How about pumpkin butterscotch custard for Thanksgiving?
+ This cheeky print is going up in my office ASAP.
+ Natalie Lovin was an OG blogger who disappeared from the Internet, here’s why.
+ This Me + Em blouse just screams high fashion.
+ Researchers tracked how men and women spend their time. No woman will be surprised by the results.
{this post contains affiliate links that may generate commission for the author}
I know it’s trite, but reading Eve Rodsky’s books helped me to reframe a lot. I also automate as much as I can – grocery deliveries, chewy, clothes only get washed on Friday night into Saturday morning. I gave myself a lot of grace for not having a perfectly clean house. We also limit kid activities to swim lessons and one extra one for each kid. I found a structured activity that’s low stakes but brings me joy (honestly, school board activism was it for me– close enough to politics, but I felt like I could actually see the impacts in real time) that has meeting times that force me to make it happen. It’s imperfect, and I still struggle with reconciling the life I had pre-kids to the life now, but it’s feeling better most days.
Belle, it is so, so hard in those early years to maintain anything – especially if you are also working a big job. My kiddos are now nine and I feel like I didn’t emerge from the fog until they were at least 7. I think it’s okay for plates to get dropped. Lots of plates. You will have time again to think about what you want and what you think is fun. But that time is not right now. And that is OK.
Try to go to you doctor’s appointments (and the dentist – I let that slip for more than 2 year with bad results). But generally speaking, you can let a lot of things go. And they will be here for you when you get to the other side. And you WILL get to the other side.
Take (gentle) care.
Two things have made being the mom of a toddler easier: 1) My husband’s gym has child care. I don’t go to that gym (or any gym), but two days a week my husband and child are gone for 2-3 hours (travel time included), so I can have a block of time to do what I want. 2) My husband and I treat our health care appointments as a supreme priority and we are each other’s accountability partner. If one of us has a doctor appt., the other will do everything possible to make sure we can attend and not cancel/move. We need each other to stay healthy; otherwise, this all crumbles.
Love that child care option!
I’m a little scared to share this because there are such strong opinions but I’ll risk it. I’ll also caveat this that my kid is 6, I have a partner, and I only have 1 kid. What works for me in maintaining a sense of self: I do not accept being the default parent and I prioritize. My husband does not take advantage of me. He is also a parent to our son. I don’t obsess over splitting everything 50/50, but I am not the default parent. He’s responsible for our cleaning lady, yard and house maintenance. I do laundry, ensure our kid has clothes and take care of the dog. We split making dinner. We both go to parent teacher conferences. My husband does breakfast so I can workout. When I travel for work I don’t leave him a list. Second, I prioritize what makes me feel like me and adjust it to be achievable. I’m very social, but doing a girls night out regularly isn’t feasible, so we do girls “afternoon” where we throw our kids at our partners and hang for the afternoon. The partners all hang together, and have a great time.
YES to this…!
And when things get *way* off-balance, I speak up. “Hi, can someone else go through the sock drawer and weed out all of the too-small socks and order new ones?” Yes, that’s a thing and there’s no reason why it shouldn’t be one person’s responsibility over the other.
We’ve had many conversations about the mental load that some people tend to take on over others, and while it’s not a 50/50 balance we both believe in fairness.
Hang in there! And YES to automating what you can and limiting All. The. Activities.
YES! Abra, does your husband also feel that he has lost his identity since becoming a father? If the answer is no, then I think there is a need to rebalance responsibilities.
I think he does, but not as intensely, likely because more of his identity was about his work, which he obviously still goes to every day.
I feel this comment so, so much. It is SO hard. I have four kiddos 5-11, working parent, do have a partner who works and job is more intensive than mine. Regular babysitters help. Waking up early (5:30 am) for a workout sets the tone for my day and I notice when it does not happen. Laundry is a load a day and I literally make EVERYONE fold. Even my mom when she comes over. Kids put their clothes away. If things annoy me (broken crayons, toys, etc), I throw them out. Not the most sustainable but my mental health needs to come first. I try to get things like scheduling hair, nails done immediately after I get them done. I love the Lazy Genius and Kelly Nolan for ideas of how to save time/plan better. While my house is cleanish, it is not decorated or cute. And I just accept that is my fate right now. Instagram can be hard for the soul. Hugs.
Regarding balancing everything: I am at a director level, but I went to 75% after I had my son. That’s what makes it work for us. I realize this is a huge privilege, and I am so grateful for it! I strive to be 100% at work when I’m there and 100% at home when I’m here. I work out at 6a, make enough to get two dinners out of each meal (which all take <30 min.–SkinnyTaste for the win) and try hard to have 1-2 hours at night to watch TV or read with my husband. It doesn't work out every day but works well most of the time. Also, I definitely felt the loss of self after my son was born. For me, this gradually got better as he got older. He's six now, and I no longer feel this way. Hopefully, something in here is useful to someone!
I really felt this way when my kids are small, coupled with a bad bout of anxiety when my son was 1.5-2.5 (and then my son got out of nappies and we got a puppy…)
My daughter is now 8 and my son is now 4, and our puppy is 1. Life is still hectic but honestly I feel like i’m starting to get my self back a lot more. We live in a townhouse complex and there are a few other families where the kids will all play, so we get lots of stretches of unscheduled and lightly supervised playtime – I am downstairs and the door is open, but I can cook which is a big hobby of mine. My 8 year old also has a close friend who is an only child and her parents seem often keen to have company for their kid, so she has long playdates. I am also going to a lot more concerts – with my husband sometimes (we have a great teenage neighbour who babysits, and it’s easier to just leave them with a babysitter when they’re old enough to explain what they want rather than having to write out a schedule, prep bottles etc) but also by myself, with friends etc. We have a cleaner fortnightly, so while the house is always messy, I know that things have had a regular deep clean.
This is such a common feeling, and a hard feeling, but it’s not forever. Speaking for myself, when my youngest turned 4 I started to regain a sense of identity beyond “mother of small children.” By the time he finished kindergarten I felt like a whole person again.
Until then, my advice is to find some form of exercise you like OUT OF THE HOUSE (this is key) and do it once a week. Do not give up this time to accommodate your husband’s schedule or needs in any way or under the falsely optimistic belief that you’ll reschedule for another time in the week. This is a time for you to get out and be a person doing something good for herself. I suspect you’ll soon be looking for a way to make it happen twice a week. It’s so easy to stop taking care of yourself but it’s worthwhile and even necessary to be firm about dedicating a fixed amount of time to your health regardless of the permanent state of chaos and flux at home.
I’m going to assume that you and husband are equal *enough* partners and organize my thoughts with that foundational assumption:
I have 3 kids – 9, 5, and 2. There have been MANY times in the past 9 years when I have rallied and fought and resented and resisted what seems to be the loss of self and unfair submission demanded of me by motherhood. And every time I have finally submitted (to doing homework for at least 90 minutes every night with my kids, to cooking food with far less spice and seasoning than I would like so my kids will eat it, to using 3.5 hours precious leisure time on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon to cook for that week’s dinners, etc etc) I have found something better on the other side of that submission. And somehow I’ve felt more like me or like a piece of me I lost comes back as a result? (for example: I have a PhD and wow has sitting down for 4th grade homework woken up my long-dead academic nerd, I now cook the EXACT meat and potatoes recipes I grew up with and feel connected to my family/ancestors in a new way, etc etc). I know the word submission triggers a lot of alarm bells, but that’s why I am using it! Because I fight it and feel furious that I have to submit, and it feels like losing, and it’s unfair, and WHAT ABOUT MEN! But usually when I’m angriest about it is right before I finally do submit and then somehow everything is better and there is a new beauty and an expanded sense of self nestled in wonder and gratitude. As a bonus, when I feel this secure in what I’m doing to help my family thrive, I also feel entirely entitled to my 20 minute walk on the treadmill and god save the child that dares to interrupt me from the endorphins I deserve.
BUT ALSO, I submitted to the idea that YES I have ADHD and NO I cannot manage this on my own and medicine has legit changed my life. It is not normal or necessary to be depressed, anxious, deeply bitter or resentful, or feel like you are failing all the time, including failing at being yourself. It’s not normal or necessary to not even recognize yourself anymore or feel like there are no through lines between the girl you used to be and the woman you are now. Like, there are a lot of moms out there who don’t feel these drumbeats of failure underlining every moment of their day! I’ve noticed that groups of women (IRL or online) will remember their worst *moments* and respond as if that’s what another woman is expressing, when she may actually be expressing the very foundation of her lived experience. We can sometimes YASSSS each other into the literal grave. So I would say that if any of this describes you, or if your daily life seems fundamentally different from other women you know, or what your own deep inner knowing thinks is right and healthy, find a psychiatrist to check if there is something deeper going on than just your attitude. We cannot attitude ourselves out of mental illness.
Hmmm, I don’t think I like my last couple sentences! I meant more like – find out if there’s something deeper beyond your attitude, or your home management systems, or anything situational in your life that’s going on. Sometimes we need a better method or system, sometimes we need to reframe our outlook, and sometimes we need a diagnosis + appropriate treatment. You’ve got lots of methods and systems suggested in the comments, an essay on attitude from me above (sorry if it’s unhelpful!), but only a mental health professional can help you if there is a deeper problem.
As a mom in DC with a big job and 2 kids (and a lot of hobbies I care about), here is my challenge to you:
1. What is it that makes you “you”? Describe yourself in 2-3 sentences.
2. What is the bare minimum to achieve that, and then the “nice-to-haves”? Is it getting your nails done every 2 weeks, going to the gym twice a week, seeing friends by yourself once a month? Be serious about the things that you really need to be a human and then the additional ones that you think you need. Write it down.
3. Do a time log. Laura Vanderkam has some but you’re a lawyer, you know how billing time works. Do 6 minute increments of your personal time for 2 weeks.
4. Your partner also needs to do 1-3. Take your paperwork, pour a cocktail, and compare them. I bet you’ll find some areas where you can come to some better and more equitable allocations of time to make everyone happier.
5. If the math of time for both of you genuinely doesn’t add up: consider a regular weeknight or weekend babysitter. 3 (or more! Whatever!) additional hours of childcare per week is much cheaper than individual therapy, couples therapy, or divorce.
I’ve bought a lot of things you’ve rec’d over the years, but that Anthro blouse is probably the fastest thing I’ve ever purchased from a post.
Gosh, I have struggled with this so much. I think the most important part about this is that it doesnt last forever. Little kids grow up and yes, they become big kids who still need support but not as physically taxing. The other important thing is life is full of trade offs. I ultimately couldnt work my ass off and be a whole person. That was impossible for me. If I chose to work a big job and put in the hours those jobs need, it would tax my sanity. I had to downshift in order to maintain my health, happiness and sanity. And I think in the long run of my life that was the right decision for me. Look, I know not everyone has that privilege. But it still took courage to exercise that privilege.
It’s so hard not to want to give all of yourself over to your kids. But I keep reminding myself that my daughter (now 6) will never learn that it is okay to take care of and prioritize herself if she doesn’t see me do it first. I love her, I take care of and support her, but I can’t do that if I don’t also take care of myself. My husband is an amazing co-parent, but our daughter needs to see us as role models who have lives that don’t always revolve around her.
My friend said this and it has been so meaningful. I also try to remind myself how much better I show up when I take care of myself.
I also ask myself why I am making something a priority. If it’s because I feel pressure or judgement from others it gets dropped on my to do list I am prioritizing the bear minimum we need and what makes me/my family happy. I don’t love putting together Christmas cards so it is not happening, even if it bugs others.
I’m my favorite version of myself as a mom when I get to be in beautiful spaces that I enjoy, and it’s worked for me to find ones where there are grownups who have planned for kids to be there too. 🙂 Some of our winners are the art museum (scavenger hunt), downtown library (creating buttons in the makerspace), used bookstores (finding their own $1 books), and our town’s riverfront park (playground). My kids are 6 and 8 now, but when they were little I did similar things in the carrier/stroller years. Some faves then were teaming up with another mom for these activities and/or getting a drive-through coffee and bringing a library magazine to a fenced-in park.
I used to make very detailed daily schedules – from the time I woke up until I went to bed. It could look like:
6am – 6:30am: run
6:30am – 7am: shower, get ready
7am – 7:30am: kid wakes up, breakfast
7:30am – 8am: kid out the door to school
8am: finish getting ready
Breaking down everything that I needed to do helped me to manage my time and also secure coverage when I needed it.
The loss of identity is a season – like everything else. I really struggled with it for the first several years of my kiddo’s life. Now that she is about to turn 10 and is much more independent, I have the time and wherewithal to rediscover things about myself (I forgot how much I love concerts!) and finding myself again. Hang in there; it is really hard. The fun part on the other side is sharing what you love with your kiddo!
I have 3 kids – 6, 9 and 12; the oldest has severe special needs that have required hours of coordinating therapies, talking to lawyers, IEP mtg etc. I am the anchor breadwinner; my husband had a stable job but recently decided to start his own thing. And my job is C-suite so I can’t do just 9-5. My two rules for parenting – lower your expectations and throw money at the problem. Even when I was earning half of what I earn now, I didn’t mind handing over most of my paycheck to nannies and babysitters so that neither my husband or I would have to take a career break. My work and financial independence is important to me. I also don’t stress about kids’ activities… my middle child didn’t learn to swim until recently and my youngest still can’t swim… they are both fine. We have tried and left many kids’ activities and I have made my peace with that. My middle kid recently decided music is her thing and has thrown herself into learning instruments with a fervor I didn’t see in any previous activity. My youngest hates any kind of structured class but is brilliant with LEGOS and math games. As others have said, there are a lot of tradeoffs. I am a strict vegetarian, my daughter is a flexitarian and my husband and sons love meat. When we pick a restaurant, there is no way everyone is happy with the choice but we rotate so that at least one person loves that choice. I found that late evening gym classes are more suitable for me than early morning so that’s what I do now. The kids get extra TV time then… again not a dealbreaker for me. I try to make sure the kids get integrated into our lifestyle at least half the time rather than us shaping our lifestyle around them all the time. TBH, I have a much stronger sense of self now than I had living a DINK lifestyle in NYC years ago in my 20s. And that sense of self is absolutely not tied to being a mom. No one is handing out medals for acing motherhood. So you get to decide how much being a mom influences the other parts of you.
I love littles so very much, but I am also so glad that my kid is twelve. The early years were trying (understatement of a lifetime), but ultimately they taught me how to be super-effective at prioritization. The experience reshaped me so that I am a very different woman from the pre-baby woman I was before, and I would also say, improved. I am less self-centered and more relaxed. I have time for some old hobbies (knitting) and new ones (learning Latin). All of that to say: it gets better.
This does not help you now that you are in the thick of it, so in the meantime, try to give yourself grace AND ask for it from those in your circle. Prioritize sleep as best as you are able because everything else is easier when you’ve slept.
It’s not easy, but I do think age-wise, you are fairly still pretty deeply in the trenches. My twins are 6, and while school is a different kind of demanding (Why are there so many spirit weeks?!), I find this age SO much easier. They have friendships and birthday parties and play dates and sports practices. And when we are home, they play outside on the trampoline or together and don’t need me every second. So, the really hard part won’t last forever.
I have 6 kids and the biggest thing that I rely on is saying no to everything that doesn’t absolutely have to be a yes. And in reality, so much of it doesn’t have to be yes. Also, all my kids are in sports, and the rule is if you are not a senior and it is not local then I won’t be there. My husband still tries to go to everything, and that is fine for him. But I simply can’t if I want to maintain my sanity. In the beginning I used to feel guilty, but no longer.
THIS. I have 3 little boys and a full-time job in corporate America. When I had only one or even two children, I wish I would have been able to let go of expectations and guilt like I am better able to now. Truthfully, I’m only better at it now because I have to be. I totally get the pull to be at everything and always have the family together (this was our M.O. when we had our first), but it is also so valuable for your daughter to have one-on-one time with her father. And the time you will get back to yourself to recharge and feel like yourself again will only make your time with both of them even better. Also, if there are tasks and things that are particularly draining, ruthlessly question whether or not they have to get done, and to what standards. Constantly, I am having to remind myself that a lot of things are truly optional. Especially if I am being true to my own values and not others’ expectations and ideals.
that etsy print is PERFECT for one of my friends! thanks for sharing.
Out of the house child care age 1-3 and pre-k full day at age 4 was meaningful for me. Having her in the house with me means I can’t really turn off even when I had care. I quit doing things I don’t care about and made other things super low lift. For example cooking, I just don’t care if it’s fancy or super healthy. I just care that we are all fed. Husband does a lot and I am not default parent but we often do appointments together with her. She is 7 and I do feel it’s gotten better the last 3-4 years.
I think you may have hit on something I hadn’t considered. There is almost no time in the week when we are not in the same house at the same time.
There are lots of thoughtful answers here, so I’ll try to add a few new considerations. First, I think we have to put what we’re dealing with in perspective. Dr. Becky just interviewed economist Corinne Low, and women in particular spend more time at work, on household tasks, and on childcare than our mothers did. There are not enough hours in the day to do what is culturally expected of us.
Practically, I have a 3 yo and a dog, and my wife and I (two moms here) talk frequently about splitting up tasks and how we’re feeling about the workload. We each have tasks we prefer but each of us can do all of them-laundry, dishes, buying clothes, organizing social things, and can jump in whenever the other has more at work, etc. We also guard a few hours of private time on the weekends and one weekday-I row, she fences. It helps to have it scheduled and paid for. It’s a practice to not feel guilty about it and to prioritize it over everything except major family events or someone getting sick. Along these lines, I truly think when we carve out time to care for ourselves and our interests, we are in a better mental space and also have more patience for our kids and our spouses. I know it is hard, but getting sleep does wonders for my perspective and patience as well; I’m practicing prioritizing it on weekends when I need patience the most.
I am in an almost identical phase of parenting, and I cannot express how much this post resonated with me. I have little advice to offer, but I do want to recommend the book “How to Keep House While Drowning.” The title is about housekeeping, but it addresses much more about mindset and systems to make the mundanity of care work less painful.
Somewhere I read that many of us spend more time on active/engaged parenting now than even stay-at-home parents in previous generations did. I take that to mean that a lot of us could dial it back and cut ourselves some slack without causing our kids problems. Constant reminders I’m raising a person, not a college applicant we’re very necessary when I was getting the “but everyone” feelings. I highly recommend having a friend or acquaintance whose kids are a handful or more years older than yours. The perspective is so helpful along the way.
Over the course of time, showing your daughter that you also prioritized (maybe not always successfully, and sometimes something has to give) yourself is it’s own gift.
Wow, so much good wisdom here. A lot of these comments really resonated with me, but especially: 1. Throw money at all problems that can be solved with money. Many cannot but some can. 2. Work is work. I am in a very competitive field and am very proud of where I’ve gotten to, but I no longer care whatsoever about climbing further. I do not want to work any more than I have to. 3. Under schedule your kid. Too many activities is such a horrible trap imo. 4. Your daughter is still so young. It will get better for sure. 5. Get sitters and spend time with your spouse. For us, that rarely means a nice dinner out. It usually means 2.5 hours of doing something together during daylight hours—a walk, a spin through a museum, whatever. We also really like going to a bar at 4 pm and just hanging out for a bit. Reminds me of my younger self.
For me, I accepted I couldn’t maintain my prior sense of self. I eventually had to accept that who I am is different than before I had a baby. I could no longer routinely work later, which impacted my career and relationships with coworkers, I could no longer be gone for long trips because the schedule dysregulation after leaving my kids in another’s care was just too much work on the flip side. So I stopped trying. I said this is who I am right now, and it has changed before and it will change again and if I am not the same version, that is going to have to be ok, because it is just the truth.