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Ask the Editor: Sweet Sixteen, Pt. 3

Sep 25, 2024

This is our final list of Sweet 16 questions. First, let me say how much this blog, this community and this side-hustle have given me over the years. I never had any concept at 26 of what my August Recess project would become and the people and experiences it would bring into my life. And for that, I thank each and every one of you.

Second, this list contains some more personal questions. I usually alternate them with the style questions, but this time, I’m going to answer all of the fluffy ones at the top so they don’t feel so jarring sprinkled in with more serious topics.

I need lots of <$50 gifts for other women and housewarmings. What do you like best? #outofideas

Gift giving is my passion project, so I love this question.  Here are some of my favorites:

For a Housewarming:

For the Ladies:

What is the one thing you need right now?

For Avery to sleep through the night without needing three trips outside?  *sips Venti-size coffee* Yes, that’s it.

On the topic of shopping, I need either a new pair of sneakers to walk in (very open to suggestions for a supportive, lightweight sneaker) or a new wallet.  This Maison de Sabre wallet to be specific, and I need to buy it before the sale ends.  

Also, the whole brand is absolutely stunning.  Such good quality and every.single.useful.piece a working woman needs.  I mean, look at this leather laptop bag!

Can you help me find a minimalistic 8×10 rug for my apartment for under $250?

For something really neutral, this NuLoom rug is nice.  All the rugs in my house are Loloi.  They’re printed on, not woven, which I know some people don’t like, but they’re a snap to clean, which is important with a toddler and two dogs.  

But my best tip is to go to Home Depot or a carpet store and see what remnants they’ve bound into rugs.  For my first apartment, I snagged a 11 x 10 ivory carpet remnant.  It still lives at my friend Sarah’s house 14 years later.

What is the best thing you bought last week?

I didn’t buy anything but groceries last week.  (Yay, me!)  But the week before that, I bought this La Ligne t-shirt about voting.  I haven’t decided if I will frame it or wear it.

Have you done Botox yet or any other plastic surgery?  Will you?

Not yet. I am currently trying Frownies, because I only have lines on my forehead and I want to see if they reduce them.  Will report back.

Other than that, all I’ve done is microdermabrasion.  Would I do more?  Yes.  I fully expect I’ll be in line for a face lift in my 50s, but the best surgeon I’ve come across is $35,000, so I need to start saving now.  

I’m a person who never says never when it comes to plastic surgery or other appearance enhancement stuff.  You don’t know what you’ll do until you’re in that position.  Everyone is perfectly empowered to do what they want, including doing nothing.  I just doubt, given how vain I am, nothing will be on the menu for me.  But maybe I’ll suddenly stop giving a f**k, stranger things have happened.

Are you and Kyle okay?  I notice you don’t wear your ring anymore.

I never wear my wedding rings (too afraid I will lose them) and rarely wear the gorgeous replacement rings I bought from Mejuri.  I just hate having stuff on my hands and wrists.  I never noticed it when I was younger, but now it irks me as the day wears on so I only wear them when we go out.

Marriage isn’t an endless Instagram carousel of joy.  Especially heterosexual marriage in America.  Some weeks are great.  Some weeks, I wonder if we make it to Sunday.  You just hope you stack up the first kind and not the second.  This exchange in the comments from 2019 has always stayed with me:

“You can be coupled and still Not In A Good Place for Valentine’s Day. There’s been years when I’ve looked for a card that says, “You are my husband. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

To which another responded:

This is great in its truthfulness. And I am so thankful that my husband and I have both not, not been in love with each other at the same time. Because there are days and holidays and sometimes extended stretches of time where the sum of our relationship is “you are my husband, happy valentines day”.

Do you ever think about closing the blog?  I hope not, but I’m sure you do.

I do.  Not because I don’t love it, but because I often don’t feel like I have the time I need to make it as great as I want it to be.  Sometimes it feels easier just to quit than to keep turning in B- work.  

What’s the one thing you wish someone could take off your plate?

Social media.  See above.

If you could make just one decision differently what would it be and why?

I would have stayed in Montana in 2019 at the end of the session.  Sometimes a door opens and if you don’t walk through it, it shuts.  

COVID relocations and that TV Show That Shall Not Be Named have made moving back to Montana a pipe dream.  Kyle’s job would need to change so we could move, and even if we did, the expense would be tremendous, as it is now the least affordable housing market in America.  Take that San Francisco, we have increasing income inequality and scenery!

What keeps you up at night?

These days it would be easier to ask what doesn’t.  But this was my 5:27 AM doomscroll.

My dog is dying.  

My parents are aging.  

I never see them.

My finances.  

My daughter, just generally, and specifically, how the f**k do you teach a toddler coping skills (especially when both you and your partner have questionable coping skills).

What can I do to be a better mother? 

My health feels like it’s slipping away from me, but maybe that’s just my youth.

Order essentials from Target.

Reschedule nail appointment since we’re fully awake now.

How can I be a better lawyer?  

Who do I want to be when I grow up?

Oh s**t, I am grown up.  

Look, there’s the alarm. *reads NYT Morning Newsletter*

Oh good, none of its going to matter anyway because there’s probably going to be war in the Middle East and if Trump gets elected he’s going to turn on “a very large faucet” in the Northwest to send all of Washington and Oregon’s water to California, because we definitely don’t need it…that’s enough screen time.  

Cuddle your dying dog for a minute.  Then, get out of bed.

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COMMENTS

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  1. Sierra Delta says:

    For several years, we’ve added the Runamok syrup to our granddaughters’ Christmas stockings, but it’s even more of a “WOW!!!!!!!!!” when we add this: https://shop.kingarthurbaking.com/items/confetti-pancake-mix

  2. Rachel B says:

    Thank you so much for your honesty, Abra. This blog is the best corner of the internet.

  3. Alli says:

    This blog is where I go for anti-doomscrolling. I can’t say how much I’ve appreciated this page over the years. And gotten good advice. And I don’t know what you mean by B- because each and every post deserves a gold star in my opinion.

    • Deb says:

      I wholeheartedly agree! Long time (and avid) reader but rarely comment. However, this post really spoke to me. I still live in DC but my DC based employer is virtual now. So while work pieces are less relevant for my closet, all of the rest of your content is still gold. So appreciate you!

  4. s-p-c says:

    Your posts resonate with so many of us, perhaps even more so now than in the early days of the blog. Please keep bringing your insights, humor, and existential woes, as they make us all feel more seen and understood. We’re here for you and with you.

  5. Jacqueline says:

    I wish someone had told me early on, that high anxiety can masquerade as poor coping skills. I now pay the price for poor parenting of a high anxiety child in therapy bills. May not be the case for your sweet kiddo but I wish even one person had mentioned it to me so I could have researched myself and tried something different in my parenting style (although no way to know if it would have made a difference).

    Thanks for being a breath of fresh and honest air in this influencing world.

  6. Sarah says:

    I found this blog over 12 years ago when I was an intern at my state legislature and couldn’t figure out how to dress. I stayed for the wit, the incisive commentary, the passion for public service, and the camaraderie of my fellow readers. It has consistently been my favorite place on the Internet since then. Abra (Belle), thank you for creating this very wonderful space.

  7. BB says:

    Your toddler doesn’t need to learn coping skills just yet. Trust me, they learn as they grow and blossom into young adults. I have two teen girls and one tween boy. I had the same anxieties then and have different anxieties now about them and whether I’m a good parent. I’ll never figure out the magic parenting formula but maybe there isn’t one. You’ll never not worry whether you are a good mother. That does mean you are a wonderful parent.

    • AmandaG says:

      I agree with this. I’ve got three kids, a teen and two tweens. You will mess up. You will be mad at messing up. You will look back and think, “why did I do/react/etc like that?” But, kids are resilient. You will learn. Something I’ve learned along the way is that each kid is different in how they want attention or in how they need to let off steam. As they get older, they will learn to regulate (I mean you still need to work with them but it gets easier as they get older). Something I’m navigating now is that I read somewhere that high anxiety in parents can create anxiety in kids. I can see that a bit in my oldest and I’m trying to relax more and not vocalize all of my worries/concerns/thoughts as he’s picking up on some of that. We’re really trying to lock in on what’s important.

  8. Elizabeth Quill says:

    I love the comments about marriage. Amen. Also my dying dog died two weeks ago. It was just as horrible as you’d imagine and there is such a void. Give that dog extra snuggles.

  9. Kellie says:

    Last? Did I miss something?

  10. Erica says:

    Sneakers, I recently was battling planter faciatis (self-diagnosed admittingly), got these: https://www.on.com/en-us/products/the-roger-advantage-w-3wd1065/womens/white-undyed-shoes-3WD10652351
    and all is better.

  11. TheLOOP says:

    I highly recommend the book “Hunt, Gather, Parent” by Michaeleen Doucleff. It completely changed my perspective on parenting and its goals. I only wish I had come across it before my kids were out of the toddler stage. It is my go to gift for newer parents.

  12. Lindsay says:

    I recently lost my 14 year old dog and this article from Blair Braverman gave me a lot of comfort in the years and days leading up to it: https://www.outsideonline.com/culture/love-humor/prepare-loss-old-dog/

    Your girl knows how deeply, deeply she is loved.

  13. Rosemary says:

    I appreciate you and your blog, emails, social media. I am probably not your typical reader, but as a Governor’s staffer 15 years ago, I appreciated your fashion and life advice. Now, as a 64 year old non profit executive, your fashion tips and links are still helpful. Also, on the life stuff – it gets easier. Kids grow up, you figure out (or don’t) the marriage, and careers soar. Good luck and thank you.

    • AJT says:

      Rosemary, thanks for this! In the thick of raising little ones now, and so many people love to tell me “little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems” when I’m sharing a silly story about threenager meltdowns. There’s hope!

  14. ZH says:

    Abra, thanks so much for sharing your recs, insights and wisdom. All of your posts are A+++ but we will still be here if you ever decide to post less in order to keep your work/life balance strong.
    I have been following you since the Piperlime days, and I still have the 1st item I bought off of one of your recs, a B/W midi t-shirt dress. You recommended styling it w/ a jean jacket, and I was hooked 🙂
    Hugs to you and your pup at this time too.

  15. E says:

    On toddlers – mine is now 7, we’re working through the process of getting her evaluated because she is not neurotypical (but TBD on the extent and scope of her divergence), but I have to say it gets better. Toddlers are tyrants, they are boundary testers and they do not have the capacity for the emotional regulation to be able to cope. I say this as a parent to one who tantrumed so loudly you could hear her on the street with all the doors and windows closed, and it was over every.little.thing. Time and patience are the best medicine. Raising Your Spirited Child was the first time I felt seen as a parent. In terms of calming tantrums in the moment, sometimes “mama snuggles” were what she needed, sometimes she just needed to tantrum and vent, and sometimes we could sing a little jingle from Esme and Roy about calming down. It gets so much better, I promise. Now we can cut off most tantrums with a “nuh uh, take a deep breath and try again”, kiddo is self-aware enough to know what she needs to help regulate, and all of that passion and intensity is going to fuel her creative desires to change the world. Hang in there!

  16. Caroline K. says:

    I also want to thank you for the blog. I started reading you and Capitol Hill Barbie sooo long ago!
    I agree with another commenter who said they come here to stop doom-scrolling. I always learn something from your book/article suggestions and appreciate the mix of advice you give. That said, even your B work is top-notch!

    Also, I am so sorry to hear about your dog. My cat is my second baby and I can imagine how losing her would be devastating.

  17. Alexis says:

    I acknowledge spending $70 on an orange fruit leather charm for my purse is borderline crazy, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t the absolute cutest. Many of my friends have inquired about my Maison de Sabre fruit charm, haha! Love that brand.

  18. Nicole Mariam says:

    Sneaks – New Balance 527s. Come in cute colors, usually around $100. I went a week in Disney with no issues. Fit my smaller size foot too! (6.5) Toddlers – Happiest Toddler on the Block helped me immensely! They want parent connection, say less, hug more. And get them before they are in the red zone. They are little cave people so thinking that way helps.

  19. Suze says:

    Wow!! You continue to out do yourself. The blog is different but so are you and so are we. Hang in there through the toddler years. Big feelings in little bodies…

  20. Katherine says:

    You’re the best Abra and thank you for sharing!
    For a supportive, lightweight sneaker, APL TechLoom Pro. Nice sleek shoe with good foot support.

  21. Erika says:

    Your plate is full and so is your heart. I hope you will always prioritize what sustains you. I adore your blog and so does my fabulous but so different-than-me sister, both in our 50’s. I have a serious Wall St job and she, after working in non-profit her whole career, is pivoting to a Masters in Social Work. We literally ping each other about your posts. Your knowledge, voice and the community you have created I would argue are something that Oprah or TSwizzle would envy. You do you and we are fully behind you. But equally if you slog on, balancing everything (how does she do it?!?) please know there are more chapters ahead (said with love from 2 sisters in their early 50’s). You are the best and I love to tell my 2 daughters when they do something smart, YOU ARE MANAGEMENT MATERIAL.

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