The Weekly Edit: The Whirpool

I’ve written before about my struggles with depression and anxiety.  I spent most of 2017 and 2018 so deeply depressed that I was concerned I would never be able to breakout.  But I did the work, the clouds parted, and I crawled my way back.  At least most of the way back.

That dark period destroyed my confidence. Pursuing a challenging career.  Taking risks, being ambitious.  The things that used to make me, me.  I can’t do any of that anymore.  I am mostly paralyzed by fear.  It’s why I decided to craft a career path that was heavily reliant on blogging and political work with some lawyering.  It’s what felt stable and safe.

Then, COVID-19 happened.  And like so many Americans, my stable career became shaky at best.  Lose a few elections, blog takes a hit, legal work dries up, and now what?

The crushing fear of failure combined with having no professional support system where I live (and an entire skill set that is useless outside a capital city) has invited that darkness back in.

Every morning, I force myself out of bed with the same thought: You cannot let this happen again.  You cannot lose more time to this stupid disease.

So I get up, and I try to accomplish something, anything.  Because you’ve got to chase that black dog away or he will catch you.

If you don’t struggle with mental health issues, I can’t impress upon you enough how much they can sap your will to function.  A few years ago, a former boss was complaining about a co-worker who was late every day.  He couldn’t see it, but I could.  My colleague wasn’t late because he was inconsiderate, he was late because he was depressed.

When I tried to explain to my boss that I, as a person who had similar challenges, could see he was going through something deeper, my boss replied, “What does being sad have to do with getting to work on time?”

And that’s the biggest misconception about depression, that the person is just sad.

I have to avoid all social media on October 10th because, on world Mental Health Day, so many influencer feel the need to write Instagram captions about how they “get sad too” or “have bad days.”  People who struggle with mental health, whether temporary or life long, aren’t sad.  They are living every day, fighting a battle with their own mind.

The other question I get from well-meaning people is: Why don’t you just take something?

Given the thousands of television commercials advertising medications, the general public can be forgiven for thinking this problem is solved.  But many mental health sufferers spend years finding the right medicines and the right balance of medicines.  Some, like me, can’t take medication because of the side effects.

Put me on a drug like Zoloft or Celexa and I start to have uncontrollable, sudden suicidal thoughts.  Imagine walking down Independence Avenue on a bright, sunny day, a WMATA bus coming up the street in the lane next to you. Then, without warning, you are overcome by the desire to step in front of that bus.  That happened to me after just three days on medication.

I don’t take anything now.  I don’t even try.  It’s inconvenient, and unfortunate.  But it’s also necessary.

I wrote this today because, like I said, I’m not feeling my best right now.  You may come here some days and there will be no posts.  It’s not because I’ve forgotten about you, it’s because I just can’t do it that day.

I also wrote this because with 2020 doing her level best to shred everyone’s sense of stability and hope, I think there are probably a lot of people feeling this way.  Many for the very first time.

There are hard days.  There are hard weeks.  If you need support, I highly recommend talk therapy as a place to start.  It doesn’t always solve, but it keeps the feelings from bottling up, which can mitigate.  Online resources like BetterHelp can open the door.  Or you can ask your general practitioner for a referral.

2020 is a year that will last decades.  And we’re all trying to get through it together.  So take care of yourselves.  Hang in there.  And remember that you are stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for, even if you’re tired.

A few years ago, I bought a weighted blanket help me relax and sleep.  And, to my surprise, the Internet was right, it actually helped.

Recently, I went looking for it, and it’s nowhere to be found.  So I ordered this Gravity blanket for our bed.  If it’s hot where you are, may I recommend their cooling blanket with a moisture wicking duvet cover to keep things chill.

The extra weight helps you feel tired and ready for sleep.  I find it makes a big difference on nights when I can’t turn my mind off.

Do you like peanut sauce?  Have you tried to make it at home only to be really disappointed?  Hey, me too!

It makes no sense given all of the recipes I’ve tried, but my Asian-inspired peanut sauces never turn out as good as restaurant sauces.  Enter, African Peanut Sauce.

Food52’s Mother Africa Peanut Sauce has a different flavor profile than an Asian peanut sauce.  It’s richer, earthier, and a bit spicier.  But my heavens, this is the good stuff.

I made it last week, and it was so delicious, I froze the leftovers in one of Kyle’s cocktail ice trays.  Just add a little bit of it to chicken or vegetables and it’s phenomenal.

My apologies to those with peanut allergies.  Nut Free Wok has an Asian dipping sauce that uses Sunflower Butter instead, so you might be able to do something similar here.

Earlier this week, I realized that my favorite pair of earrings is missing.  I’ve barely left my house for weeks, so I know they must be somewhere, but where?  Kyle and I tore the house apart looking for them, and nothing.  They were a gift from my Mom, so I’m basically devastated.

I need something to wear in the interim while we continue the search, so I bounced over to Shopbop.  These Gorjana studs masquerading as hoops are an affordable $28.  These Shashi lightning bolts and modern pearls also caught my eye.  For hoops, their small pebble huggies are worth a look.

Since the Black Lives Matter protests began, I’ve become more interested in how the Republican Party ended up taking in Strom Thurmond and the Dixiecrats.  Which led me to want to know more about Barry Goldwater, a friend from Arizona recommended this documentary on Amazon.

The film talks about Goldwater’s early life, his conservatism, and how his opposition to the 1964 Civil Rights Act came to be.  It’s not a complete canon on the subject, but it’s a starting place.  It also featured an interesting group of guests including Sen. John McCain, Sandra Day O’Connor, Hillary Rodham Clinton, and James Carville.

I admit that I didn’t know much about Goldwater prior before this.  Discovering another pro-choice, pro-gay rights conservative was gratifying.  But it’s hard to ignore the fact that, while his personal opposition to the ’64 Civil Rights Act may have been rooted purely in constitutional concerns, it allowed people with hate in their hearts to find a safe space in the GOP.

It’s a fascinating watch that gives you the broad strokes of a very interesting life story.  From using his short wave radio to arrange calls between soldiers in Vietnam and stateside family to his utter contempt for Nixon, there’s a lot of noteworthy material.

I heard about this Origins Out of Trouble mask from a friend with similar breakout and skin troubles to mine.  When I realized that it was out-of-stock at Sephora and Ulta, I was even more intrigued.  So I dashed down to the local Sephora (which re-opened last week) to pick it up.  And rushed to the bathroom to apply it.

The camphor was cooling and soothing on the skin, and when I removed it 10-minutes later, the change was visible.  Swollen blemishes were calmed.  Pores looked less noticeable.  Everything felt smoother and softer.  I was deeply, deeply impressed.

Then, I realized my eyes were itching.  In my rush to try the product, I had failed to notice that it had colloidal sulfur in it.  I’m allergic to sulfur.

I am sufficiently upset about not being able to use what is obviously an awesome product.  The zinc and sulfur soak up the excess oil and treat breakouts.  The camphor cools.  And the clay sweeps debris out of pores.  The mask works, it’s amazing, and I can’t believe I have to return it.

If you have similarly oily/combination skin and/or acne, definitely give it a try.  You won’t regret it.

{this post contains affiliate links that may generate commission for the author}