Ten at Ten: November 16, 2016

Nov 16, 2016



1) The 10 Questions You Should Ask Before Taking a New Job. (DailyWorth)

2) A notebook made out of real marble. Glamorous or frivolous?

3) Should working women show us the nannies/housekeepers/assistants who help make their success possible? (The Cut)

4) Need blouses? Check out this Pippa tie-neckLOFT ruffle henley, and bottle green Marks blouse.

5) Four techniques Google is using to close the gender pay gap. (Popsugar)

6) This long-sleeve Wallis dress with a flare hem is perfect for day-to-night.  Add these cage slingbacks and party on.

7) How a Trump Presidency could shake up the workforce for women in a good way. (Refinery29)

8) Wear this BB Dakota Zip Front Jacket belted with this snake Vince Camuto belt for a chic blazer alternative.

9) Why one writer is not congratulating her friends on their engagements, even when she’s happy for them. (Elle)

10) NYX makes the best eyebrow filler pencil I’ve ever used, and it’s just $10.

*image found here.

Workday Reading

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  1. Rachael says:

    I love your site! It’s my favorite place to go every day!

    It may just be my computer, but when I click the Marks blouse link, it takes me to the same place as the ruffle henley. Also, the link for the Wallis dress is not working for me. But my computer is old and slow!

  2. Anna says:

    Yessssss! to #3. This is my biggest pet peeve whenever I hear celebrities giving parenting advice or talking about how it’s so hard to balance life and career (looking at you, Gwyneth!). It’s just as dangerous as comparing ourselves to a photoshopped magazine without acknowledging the hair and makeup teams, personal trainers, and digital help these models and celebrities get.

    • Niki says:

      Re: #3 Absolutely. I was talking about this issue with friends of mine at brunch on Sunday. A man we used to live with in a group house 13 years ago is now a very successful real estate agent. He and his wife have six children. His wife is a stay at home mom. Within the last two years (?) she has launched a series videos with the intent to empower women, help them through various situations, etc. She is always meticulously dressed, fully made-up, hair styled, etc., and pictured in a very clean house. No where does she mention that she has two nannies without whom, the production of the videos could not happen. Two of us argued that for the majority of women who would be interested in subscribing to such videos, this kind of help is not available financially. We also argued that we felt her message would be far better received if she was honest up front about the fact that she has help, that without it she could not make the videos happen, and that she understands not everyone has this type of help but that her strategics, tips, and tactics are universal. I can’t bring myself to watch the videos because I know all of this and it makes me roll my eyes. I don’t even have kids (only pets!) and I struggle to make sure I am as well presented as she is!

    • BPT says:

      I do agree that people who have help should acknowledge that. But I do have a problem in thinking that this is a woman’s issue – it goes to the idea that this work (keeping a house clean, raising children) is woman’s work in the first place, and that if the family hires help, the woman should cop to it. Couples (or single people or whoever makes the decisions for the household) should admit when they have help. Nobody is asking a man to discount what he does because he has a stay at home wife who handles this stuff for him, or asking a man to discount what he does because he hires help.

      • CD says:

        ^^ This!! Excellent point by BPT, thank you, thank you for making this insightful comment. The fact that we assume that this is a woman’s issue and that women must “come clean” about having help and support seems like a double standard.

        Also, can’t we all just assume that there’s help behind the scenes at this point, and maybe even manage to move on beyond this issue? To me, not explicitly acknowledging the work behind the work does not equate to denying that it exists.

        • Belle says:

          I agree about both genders needing to acknowledge it. But I don’t think we shouldn’t assume anything. Some women are doing this on their own, and some are doing it with help. Neither is wrong, but when women who have no help see a woman looking perfect, with perfectly clean kids, and a perfectly clean house, and her work going really well, they ask themselves why they can’t keep up.

          It’s still hard raising kids and working with or without help, I have no doubt, but how is it that the Kardashians (just as an example) film an entire “reality” show and we NEVER see their helpers except their business assistants? I think one of the best things FLOTUS has done is acknowledge that her Mom does a lot of the day-to-day parenting and that she and the Pres are there as much as possible. We need to acknowledge this reality so we can see what it really takes, not just assume that we’re falling short or assume that someone has help.

          • Belle says:

            And if I could add one more thing, think about all the bloggers who have staffs now. Some like Man Repeller and Cupcakes&Cashmere are very open about it. Some bloggers, esp. smaller ones, actively hide the partners, photographers, editors, designers, agents, marketing people, interns, and assistants who carry their blogs. So when new bloggers start out and they are KILLING themselves to accomplish the same ends with far fewer means, they wonder why they can’t do it.

        • Niki says:

          I don’t disagree that men should acknowledge the help they receive too, but often that help not only involves the people who are paid to help but also the emotional labor and even additional labor labor that his wife takes on even if she also works. If that is the case the man should acknowledge BOTH the employees/contractors and his spouse for helping him in his achievements.

          And to be fair, if a woman has been supported by her spouse/SO in addition to employees/contractors, she should note that as well.

          For me it’s about being fully honest and not, like Belle pointed out, hiding the “help” that gets you to look flawless when you are presenting your message.

          • Anna says:

            I totally agree. I think this speaks to the idea that “having it all” for a woman is generally very different than what it means for a man. Men are never asked to be both the breadwinner and the caretaker, yet woman hold ourselves to this nearly impossible standard. Men should totally be expected to say when they’re allowed to succeed professionally because of the support of their wives. It may be that because that’s the tradition, it can go unsaid, but the role that spouses play is often overlooked.

  3. LB says:

    The author of #9 sounds… unhinged. I agree that the words we use are very important, but I don’t really understand the point she is trying to make.

    • Jenn S. says:

      I agree with the essence of it, but the bulk of her message was weird and meandering. I do not like how, “congratulations,” feels when celebrating the engagements of dear friends. Instead, I just express my excitement and joy for them.

      It’s relevant for me – a friend just got engaged two weeks ago. The social media onslaught that ensued included a friend of her family telling *her mother* congratulations over the friend’s engagement. Er, what? It just felt icky. I’m delighted to be married to my husband, but “landing a man,” should not be some crowning achievement. It’s 2016.

      • LB says:

        Oh I absolutely agree re: congratulating the parents/family members. That is weird. But to me, “congratulations” is just an emphatic but generic expression of your happiness for the couple that they found each other and are lovingly entering the next step of their lives together. I just don’t read the sexist, “wow, good for you for catching a man!” tone into it.

  4. Lynn says:

    #2–I refuse to condemn frivolity, but it sounds heavy. I noticed the description didn’t include weight!

    Good list! I mean, your lists are always good, but some outshine others, and this is one of them.

    • Alli says:

      I found this really interesting. I’m from the south and have always heard that upon an engagement, you’re supposed to say “best wishes” to the female and “congratulations” to the male. The thinking is that you don’t congratulate a woman for landing a man, rather, you offer her wishes for a happy and fulfilling engagement leading up to her marriage. (I guess it’s totally fine to congratulate a guy for landing a great woman.)

      Naturally, this completely leaves out same-sex marriages, and it also assumes that anyone would actually be offended by someone extending a warm gesture of happiness for happy news.

    • heatherskib says:

      I agree on the weight possibly being too much. But I think it’d be less frivolous if it was refillable. You could practically spend that much on a good leather notebook and marble is probably more durable.

  5. AOK says:

    I just made the switch last month to the NYX brow pencil when I ran out of my last Anastasia Brow Wiz. Exact dupe of the Anastasia, and half the price. Win Win!

  6. Valerie says:

    Despite the clickbaity title of the refinery29 article, I really do hope that women will unite -in a bipartisan/nonpartisan sense- to empower each other in the workforce. Because right now I have zero confidence that the Trump administration will do anything besides set professional women back. Some have mentioned Ivanka’s career as evidence that ” it won’t be that bad,” but I worry that she is the exception rather than the norm.

  7. Pam says:

    Thank you for trying to show a positive side to Trump’s win. These are dark times when we are going back and loosing ground. Do girls need to grow up to be like Melania, evaluated for their looks? I hope the women that voted for him appreciate this is not politics. This is about human rights. Fight back!!!

  8. Not famous says:

    So sad how this “women who work” thing is still an issue in this country and it’s also very backwards to still think of the kids as a woman’s issue. Also, does the author of the article in #3 really think that most people have to be explicitely told that almost EVERYONE (famous or not) where both spouses work after having kids have some kind of help with them (paid daycare and/or family members)?! And who didn’t know that lots of rich and famous people like Ivanka Trump pay others to cook and clean for them?

    The author just seems like the naivest person ever, or assumes everyone else is stupid. I guess most famous people just think other people already know that famous people (or nonfamous people who work a lot and earn enough to pay for help) most often do have help. Ridiculous that you as a mother should have to thank (or even show?!?) your daycare staff or nanny in public. Such a double standard.

    • Belle says:

      For me, the only time it really irks me is when the woman is writing a Mommy blog full of helpful tips for other Moms on how to “do it all”, never mentioning that she’s not doing it all alone. I’ve run into a lot of message boards where women are stunned to learn their fave Mommy blogger has a personal staff of several people and just never mentioned it. But I think this behavior speaks to two problems: 1) this idea that women should be able to do it all without help (or should want to) and 2) that there is some kind of shame in not doing it all yourself.

      • Not famous says:

        Ok, I agree with your last sentence that the pressure that we as women put on ourselves is actually the problem, and sadly it seems to be mostly other women doing the comparing and finger pointing.

        Instead of the article’s suggestion that working women should have to “confess” having some kind of help with their job/children/household lest they can be accused of “hiding it”, isn’t it healthier to assume that everyone (woman OR man) who is a working parent and seems to really have their shit together actually A) is only showing the best parts or B) has some or a lot of help with their home, their kids and when really successful and/or famous also help with their job and appearance? Here we should not forget that this “help” with home and kids COULD actually be – wait for it – the professional woman’s modern husband doing HIS share with kids and cleaning. The norms in the U.S are way behind many other developed countries on this, leaving lots of working moms exhausted with managing everything on their own. The C) alternative of an extremely well organized superwoman or superman probably does exist in rare cases, but unless someone actually claims to be doing it all themselves I’d say it’s more sane not to assume they are.

        Also, I’m wondering why it’s presented as more shameful and a luxury to have a nanny as a working mom than to just leave your kids in regular daycare? In either case you’re paying for “help”, so the nanny shaming is just odd – and at least here in the Bay Area the nanny might even be cheaper. If I didn’t have a kid and thus didn’t pay for regular daycare I could have bought e.g one of those Burberry trenchcoats A MONTH and still have some “daycare money” left… Now THAT would be a luxury 🙂

        • Belle says:

          I agree with you that daycare and a nanny shouldn’t be treated any differently. I guess I’ve just seen to many people who want to keep up the ruse and I feel sorry for them that they think they have to maintain this facade that they, as mothers, are doing it all. I’m sure most people guess that there is some aid coming to them from someone or somewhere, but I see how hard my friends with kids who also work try to keep up appearances of doing it all, and it’s disheartening.

    • Denise says:

      Its a bit of a double edged sword I’m afraid. I have a nanny for my two boys because my oldest was not thriving at day care when he was an infant (preemie problems). My oldest is now nearing kindergarten age and my youngest would be fine in a day care, but I am very hesitant to change my child care situation because it works for me. I will say I am very harshly judged for having a nanny. We definitely spend more on child care than anybody in our circle (our circle does not include people like Ivanka obviously) and I’ve had some people tell me they didn’t understand why I’d want to have kids and then pay someone else to raise them. Nice, right? So it seems like it is OK to have help that is related (grandma, aunt, stay-at-home wife, etc.), but NOT ok to pay someone to help you. That’s crap.

      I’m fully transparent about my child care situation because at 40, I’m too stubborn and tired to care what other people think. And you’d better believe I call out the people who tell me someone else is raising my kids. But not everyone is willing to put up with the judgment. Also I agree that this should be on the shoulders of BOTH parents and sadly, it never is. Nobody asks my children’s father what his child care situation is. I hope some day we can get the men more involved. Young married ladies, have this conversation with your husbands NOW before the kids come!

      • Belle says:

        That’s total crap, I’m sorry. Like sending them off to daycare all day is somehow worse than having a nanny. Why are mothers so hard on other mothers? You’re doing what is best for your family, why is that wrong?

        While I don’t have children, a few years ago, I developed some health problems that might make it difficult to carry my own children. I started looking into surrogacy, just to be mentally prepared if that day ever came, but when I brought it up to people you’d be shocked how many women would rather I spend $100k and risk my life, and risk multiple miscarriages rather than pay another woman to carry my child. One “friend” actually told me that “having babies is always a risk” and if I wasn’t willing to bear it, then maybe I shouldn’t be a mother. These are all questions I’ll have to deal with if I decide to have children, but Lord, it was upsetting. No one would ever have spoken to me about my career or my love life with such rude and penetrating frankness, but for some reason, once the conversation is children, very few people hold back.

        • TheLoop says:

          Eff your “friend.” I can’t believe she said that to you – if you have risks, are you knowingly supposed to ignore them in order to carry a baby? Does she realize that in situations like these, risks are not just borne by the mother but also by the child. And as a parent (or aspiring parent) one’s main role is to do the best for your child, whether that means having nannies or using a surrogate. Both my husband and I work high-pressure jobs. We have two kids – an infant and a pre-schooler with special needs. And we have two nannies because that’s what it takes for us to not feel a complete wreck. I am sure there are mom friends who judge me but knowing that we need to build a healthy nest egg for our older child’s lifelong needs, neither one of us can afford to pause or quit our jobs.

        • Denise says:

          I’m sorry you got that feedback from a friend no less! I think that people are always going to have opinions about how other people parent (or become parents), because there’s a feeling that ‘if you’re not doing it my way, you’re doing it wrong’. Meh, no way. There are lots of ways to skin a cat and lots of ways to bring up empathetic, well rounded children. I have a nanny because above all it makes my life better. Would my nanny work for free? No, but she loves my children…and I’m happy to have her as a part of my life. Over the years I’ve learned to tune out the judgment, but it is definitely there!

  9. Not famous says:

    I agree that the conversation about having or not children and if so how to maintain the household when both parents are working should be had before having children, and preferably before deciding to marry at all. In the U.S. a woman who wants to work is risking a lot more by getting married and having kids than does a man who wants to work. Has anyone EVER asked a man if HE is planning to keep working after having children and if so how HE plans to solve the worklife puzzle?! In for example Italy and Japan, more and more educated women are choosing not to have children or even not to live with a man at all, due to the inequality in expectations between men and women – I’m surprised that these topics aren’t more widely discussed in this country as in what could actually be done about it politically instead of just women complaining to each other.

    Subsidized childcare, longer and better paid parental leave for both women and men, the right to work part time when you have small children, working more flexible hours or partly from home, the right to care for your sick child without having to use your own sickdays or vacation days are policies that some European countries have implemented to support working parents and thus get more taxpayers when almost all women are working, at least part time. I don’t agree with everything Bernie Sanders has to say, but especially for women who have spent a lot of time, effort and money on a college education these issues on how to continue doing qualified paid work AND be a parent ought to be important. But then again we might have to get more women elected first because I don’t know if American male politicians would vote to use tax money on this, considering everything regarding having children is still so widely thought of as women’s issues. Catch 22.

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