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Golden Globes 2014: Wrapping Up the Worst of It

What a weird night!  None of the winners had prepared remarks, because when you have a 1 in five chance of winning something, why bother to scribble down a few thank yous?  Brooklyn 99 and American Hustle both beat out the competition, though I don’t know how. I mean, I knew that you could bribe the Hollywood Foreign Press Association into nominating you (ahem, Hayden Panettiere, The Tourist, etc.), but I didn’t realize that they also sold wins.

In addition to the show’s hijinks, from a drunk Diddy to Alex Ebert’s not-so-manly updo, there was a lot of strangeness on the red carpet as well.  Oddities and fashion faux pas of all sorts, committed by both men and women, so let’s take a moment to wrap up the worst of it.

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The Speaker John Boehner Lifetime Achievement Award, honoring the Best Performance by an Actor in Bronzer, goes to…

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Modern Family co-stars Sarah Hyland (23 in Georges Hobeika) and Ariel Winter (15 in Mikael D) decided to go all Freaky Friday and switch gowns for the night.

71st Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Zooey Deschanel in Oscar de la Renta

If Tinkerbell attended the Neverland retirement home’s spring formal, this is what she would wear.  Zooey looks completely washed out in skeins of boring beige, and slouching certainly isn’t helping her pull of this look.

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Julianne Moore (circa 2013) and Hayden Panettiere, both in Tom Ford

Can’t find a dress to suit your petite frame?  Just take a pair of scissors to a gown from last year and make it look like a prom dress from Dillard’s.  And don’t forget to slick your hair back like an extra from a 90s music video.

71st Annual Golden Globe Awards - Press Room

Jennifer Lawrence in Christian Dior

It hurts me to put her on my worst-dressed list, but JLaw looked like someone wrapped electrical tape around a bridal store mannequin.  Looking at the jewelry, her stylist seemed to be going for an art deco theme but fell short by a mile.

I do congratulate her on her award, however.  She was so good in American Hustle, she almost made the movie watchable…almost.

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Sofia Vergara in Zac Posen

As my friend Barb Martin put it, this bib necklace is “90% bib, 10% necklace.”  All it’s missing is the phrase “Grandma Loves Me.”  (And on a related note, maybe Vergara could try a dress style besides sweetheart strapless. You know, for variety’s sake.)

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Paula Patton in Stephane Rolland 

Paula’s wearing this dress in support of her next film, “When Toilet Paper Attacks!”.  As Washingtonian editor Kate Bennett pointed out on Twitter, some looks are best left to the runway models, mere mortals cannot pull them off.

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Usher in Calvin Klein Collection

While I dig the oxblood tuxedo, I have to ask: What’s up with the brooch?

71st Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Elizabeth Moss in J Mendel

Zoe Bartlett won a Golden Globe! Why she did it dressed in this emo-goth get up that shows more leg than a burlesque dancer is beyond me.  I also spent the entire evening wanting to assault her with a hair brush.

But the award for the Worst Dressed of the Night was a tie between…

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Zoe Saldana in Prabal Gurung and Heidi Klum in Marchesa

These dresses are so hideous that I almost find myself at a loss for words.

Zoe’s known for taking fashion risks, but this dress is like jumping into the lion’s pen at the zoo on a dare.  The variation in texture isn’t so much a mix, as it is a jumble.  It’s a strange patchwork of satin, lace, sheer and sequins that overwhelms and disappoints.

As for Heidi, she apparently decided to channel Bo Derek circa 1979 with a feathered hairstyle and a dress that could charitably be described as boho-chic-sans-chic.  And don’t even get me started on the hippy-dippy lariat.

So who were your worst dressed of the night?  I heard a lot of complaints about Emma Watson and her inability to conjure up a decent dress, and many people felt that Lena Dunham‘s canary-yellow dress hit a sour note.  Who were your most-disappointing?

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    31 comments

  1. Rachel says:

    Totally agree with these, but the fangirl in me must point out that the character’s name is spelled Zoey Bartlet.

    January 13, 2014/Reply
  2. GA says:

    I watched them pan down Zoe Saldana’s dress and with every subsequent inch revealed I felt more and more disgusted.

    However, nothing will compare to thinking, “What the eff? Leggings?” at the front of Emma Watson’s dress, only for her to turn around for the camera. I had. No. Words. I was actually offended. There’s backless, then there’s…….. a floor-length apron with sleeves? I have no idea. Ugh.

    January 13, 2014/Reply
  3. GoGoGo says:

    LOL about Modern Family. Way to break character guys!

    January 13, 2014/Reply
  4. Becky says:

    I have to stick up for Brooklyn Nine-Nine. That show is hilarious.

    January 13, 2014/Reply
    • Ashley says:

      Then I must be missing something. I just don’t get that show. And I don’t get Andy Samberg.

      January 13, 2014/Reply
    • Susannah says:

      That show is funny, sure, but it’s just an Andy Samberg vehicle. A Best Actor win when it’s just Andy Samberg being Andy Samberg is a bit of stretch, HFPA.

      January 13, 2014/Reply
  5. Liz says:

    Hayden Panetierre’s hair is so, so sad. (But I have to stick up for her and say that she’s amazing on Nashville!) I agree that Heidi Klum has the worst dress–what on earth was she thinking?

    January 13, 2014/Reply
    • GoGoGo says:

      I know! I love Nashville and Hayden Panetierre is great. It’s kind of funny to see her in the wild, since her character is a celebrity who is like, just a notch or too more famous than Hayden Panetierre is. (Is that fair?) And, it must be said, in character she always has fabulous hair. 🙂

      January 13, 2014/Reply
      • E says:

        But never quite as fabulous as Connie Britton’s hair! 🙂

        January 13, 2014/Reply
    • scone says:

      Yeah, Hayden is legit fantastic on Nashville! I did really hate her hair, though.

      January 13, 2014/Reply
  6. Emily says:

    For reader’s amusement – who wore it best JLaw: https://happyplace.someecards.com/28589/jennifer-lawrence-wore-a-dress-last-night

    January 13, 2014/Reply
  7. Anna says:

    Ariel Winter keeps wearing these super womanly dresses, I feel so bad for her. She’s definitely going through the awkward, “crap, I have hips and boobs, what the hell am I supposed to do with these things?!” stage. She’s definitely more curvy than most young actresses her age, so she can’t pull off super girly dresses that look good on stick thin girls but isn’t old enough for the more voluptuous silhouettes either.

    I really liked Elizabeth Moss’s dress, but like so many of the dresses last night, it would have been waaaaay better if the hem went all the way down

    January 13, 2014/Reply
  8. Lauren says:

    Why is Emma Stone not on the Worst Dressed list?? Horrible.

    January 13, 2014/Reply
  9. Clementine says:

    Actual conversation from last night while my husband and I caught a few minutes of the Golden Globes Red Carpet.

    Me: Is he (Usher) wearing a brooch??

    Husband: Maybe it’s a BRO-brooch…. A BRO-ch??

    January 13, 2014/Reply
  10. AR says:

    I know I’m in the minority but I thought J-Law was adorbs (in a glamorous cupcake way that would only ever work on her). I also loved American Hustle so I was happy to see it win! Totally agree with the rest of your worst dressed list, though would love to add in Amber Heard’s tacky 90s prom look, Julia Roberts’ elderly ball gown and Reese Witherspoon’s super sad hair.

    January 13, 2014/Reply
  11. JR says:

    Did anyone else think Drew Barrymore’s dress was an absolute disaster??

    January 13, 2014/Reply
  12. Ashley says:

    When the cameras first panned the crowd, there was so much orange, I thought something was wrong with my tv.

    And I clapped when Robin Penn won!

    January 13, 2014/Reply
    • Ashley says:

      * correction: Robin Wirght

      January 13, 2014/Reply
  13. Ashley says:

    * I give up

    January 13, 2014/Reply
  14. Joules says:

    I only watched a bit of the show while I was at the gym last night, but the one thing I did notice was that Tina Fey looked absolutely stunning. I thought she deserved a shout out here for doing everything right–hair, makeup, dress color, dress cut. I could go on.

    January 13, 2014/Reply
  15. Lynn says:

    I think we should all just ignore Lena Dunham. She looks bad on purpose as part of her schtick. Lord, how I hate a schtick.

    January 13, 2014/Reply
    • LaReesa says:

      AGREED! She wears that canary yellow color all the time — WHY?! Also, did she get that dress off the rack? It looked like it wasn’t tailored to her at all, especially the bustier.

      January 13, 2014/Reply
      • Cait says:

        Hands down. Worst dress of the night = Lena Dunham. Her slouching and ridiculous upper arm tattoo did not help. Her makeup didn’t go well with the color. I really don’t know how she walked out of her house thinking “I look good in this.”

        January 14, 2014/Reply
  16. Ali says:

    Julia Roberts. So. Terrible.

    January 13, 2014/Reply
  17. Charlotte says:

    I was drawn to Michelle Dockery’s tea-length champagne dress. I thought the color and the cut at the bottom contrasted with her dark hair and minimal makeup was glamorous yet simply stunning. She gets my best dressed award along with Lupita and Margot. (And I have a sweet spot for Emma Watson’s avant-garde ensemble. She looks captivating, comfortable and it’s beyond chic. Maybe not the right venue, but I adore the result — along with her flawless makeup and color pairings, from dress and pants to shoe.)

    January 13, 2014/Reply
    • V says:

      Agreed.

      January 13, 2014/Reply
    • Belle says:

      I really liked the top of the dress, but I’m not a fan of the raised front hemlines that were on a lot of the gowns.

      January 13, 2014/Reply
      • Anna says:

        I normally hate that hemline, but didn’t mind it on her dress. Sandra Bullock’s wasn’t terrible either, but it didn’t work on most of the women wearing it.

        January 14, 2014/Reply
    • V says:

      That is, agreed re Emma Watson. Would have loooved Michelle Dockery’s dress if it was full length, but high-low hem wasn’t doing it for me.

      January 13, 2014/Reply
  18. Sarah says:

    I kind of liked Emma’s dress. She’s going super high-fashion these days. It was interesting and it didn’t actually look bad on her.

    January 14, 2014/Reply
  19. Sarah says:

    Watson. Not Stone. Emma Stone usually looks great and I was also disappointed, Lauren.

    January 14, 2014/Reply