Academy Awards 2013: This Is Why We Drink
Feb 25, 2013
(If you find Joan Rivers-esque fashion commentary offensive, this is not the post for you, however, some of your fellow readers look forward to this post all year. So come back tomorrow when things will be less snarky.)
Watching the Oscars this year was even more painful than usual. It was like an awards ceremony produced by Sybil, an erratic compilation of parts that made up a Kafka-esque whole–a Bond tribute, “Chicago”, “Dreamgirls”, “The Sound of Music”, a vulgar, CGI-Teddy Ruxpin in a tuxedo, a FLOTUS appearance and a song about “boobs.”
But on the bright side, no James Franco…except in every other commercial break promoting “Oz the Great and Powerful.”
Sadly, the red carpet was no better. Between E!’s lackluster coverage and ABC’s jumpy pre-show that had more hosts than our nation has had presidents, it was tough to get a good look at the gowns (which are why these shows exist in the first place, right?). Luckily, Just Jared provided me with all the photos I needed to create this list of dresses that made me want (another) drink.
Twilight is mercifully over (apologies to those who love it, but for those of us who don’t, it causes an unpleasant burning sensation), but Kristen Stewart still managed to snag an invite to the Oscars.
As for the gown, we have visual evidence that lace and tulle is not her best look, but alas, here it is again with a case of unkempt bed head to match. Add the fidgeting, the lip biting and the shy, low talking, and you begin to wonder if there wasn’t another B-list actress who wasn’t more deserving of a presenter spot.
Also, I know she injured her leg and that she’s trying to blame that for her uncomfortable performance, but what is her excuse the rest of the time?
This one hurts me. I love Zoe Saldana, she’s usually one of my favorites, but there is way, way too much going on here–laser-cut flowers, a side bow, a fit-and-flare, a high-low hem, a train, three colors of trim–it’s total overkill. And I just do not understand the decision to include an industrial-looking belt.
On the plus side, I really love those earrings. Who says I can’t find a positive note?
For a moment while watching last night’s awards, I thought I had been transported into the closet of Alexis Carrington. Why? Welcome to “Dynasty.”
More dresses that disappoint after the jump, including Belle’s Worst Dressed of 2013.
When the ABC broadcast cut to a clip of Renee Zellweger looking frazzled and somewhat unhappy to be on TV, a friend texted me: “She looks like Bridget Jones styled her hair and did her makeup, and Bob Mackie chose this gown from Cher’s garage sale pile.” That about sums it up.
When you’re a relatively unknown actress trying to turn your breakout performance into a long term career, you’ll do almost anything to garner press attention, including wearing a dress that allows you pull an Angelina Jolie-leg pose with your breasts. I’ve seen peacocks that couldn’t puff out their chests that far.
Samantha, you’re young, you’re beautiful and you’re talented…you don’t need to try so hard.
I went back and forth on this look. The dress itself is fine. Nothing spectacular, though I still don’t understand the half-sheer skirt. It’s the accessories pushed me over the edge.
A chain purse in a color and texture that makes no sense to me, two giant dome pinky rings (I know pinky rings are “in”, but I could get satellite TV on that thing.) and a hair clip that looks like a Bedazzled hearing aid.
The following dresses are presented under the heading, “Dresses that were worn to my high school prom in Montana, in 1999.”
But while these dresses will be on a lot of worst dressed lists today, there was one dress that was so bad, that I couldn’t take my eyes of off it…
Take a form-fitting dress in bright red taffeta and add the most matronly sheer sleeve in the history of mankind. Then, take a mature woman who looks best in a short modern hairdo and give her frizzy, lifeless, barrel-curled extensions better suited to a high school student. The look strikes me as disjointed and inauthentic, I get the sense that none of it is really her.
So which gowns left you cold? Leave your thoughts on the worst dressed attendees in the comments.