Golden Globes Red Carpet 2013: Worst Dressed

Disappointing. Hideous. Heartbreaking. Blech.  Words to describe the 2013 Golden Globes Red Carpet.  

After the 2012 Emmy’s Red Carpet was mostly barren of beauty, I thought, “Don’t worry, it will get better. The Globes and Oscars are coming.”  But last night proved that just because you wish for it won’t make it so.  And unlike so many fashion bloggers, commenters and TV personalities, I am not, NOT going to pretend that I was wow’ed by any of the gowns I saw.

No amount of alcohol could make watching one disheartening dress after another come down the carpet.  I would say to Miss M, “We still haven’t seen (fill in the name of typically well-dressed actress, here), there’s no need to panic.” And then, that actress would emerge from her black sedan in a shockingly lackluster gown, and I would refill my glass. Again, and again, and again. 

While there was a flood of ugliness to choose from for this year’s Golden Globes Worst Dressed List, I opted to include only those actresses who should banish their stylists to the unemployment line.  Thus, I present, the Golden Globes 2013: Stylists Who Should be Tarred and Feathered List.

Rachel Weisz in Louis Vuitton

If you want to wear a short dress, then wear a short dress.  Don’t staple two yards of sheer fabric to the bottom and pretend that you’re wearing a gown!

  Plus, I’m so bored with this that it actually hurts me.  Because you would think that as the wife of one British hottie, Daniel Craig, aka James Bond, she could take it up a notch. The only thing about this look I like is the snake bangle, but it seems totally out of place next to the sheer polka dots and prissy bow.

(For more examples of how half-sheer dresses are awful, see also Kerry Washington, who not only decided that a see through gown was a great idea, but also opted for a dress cut above her ankles like a pair of K-Mart capri pants.  It looked like someone trimmed her dress with a child’s craft scissor.)

Marion Cotillard in Christian Dior

“Business on the right, party on the left,” is how Miss M described this asymmetric burnt-orange dress.  Add the boring, flat hair, the lack of ear jewelry and a pair of pointed-toe Dyeables pumps–and what we have is an outfit with so many mismatched elements that you don’t know where to look, but everywhere you turn, all you see is sadness.

 

Lena Dunham in Zac Posen

I imagine that in a business filled with impossibly thin actresses and models, it must be difficult for a woman of a double-digit size to find a pretty, well-fitting gown.  But Octavia Spencer does it, and Lena has done it before, so there is really no excuse for the poor fit and blah-effect of this strangely-shaped gown.  It’s like a bad Mother of the Bride dress, and Posen should be ashamed of himself.

Halle Berry in Versace

How does a woman who wore one of the most epic red carpet dresses of all time, this Elie Saab, decide that a graphic-printed one-shoulder with cutouts and nude pointy toe shoes is a good idea?  It’s like knowing that Ben Affleck is capable of Argo and Good Will Hunting, but having to acknowledge that he also made Daredevil and Gigli.  She should have saved her BET Honors dress for the Globes.

Jessica Chastain in Calvin Klein

Jessica Chastain is an amazing actress, but when it comes to red carpet gowns, she is habitually disappointing.  The droopy bodice, the incorrectly applied double-stick tape and the slicked back hair make her look disheveled and unkempt.  Yank up the neckline and give the hair a Rita Hayworth flip, and it would be a lot better. But as is, it’s a Kafka-esque nightmare, hopefully, she experiences a metamorphosis prior to the Oscars.

Julianne Hough in Monique Lhuillier

The faux-hawk is vaguely reminiscent of a Gwen Stefani/Pink hybrid.  And as much as I hate to say it, Miley does the pretend-punk hair better.  And don’t get me started on how her jewelry was made from real dead bugs dipped in liquid metal.  

I would have at least given the dress a thumbs up, except for the giant, Anne Boleyn-style skirt.  There were so many Tudor-inspired skirts on the carpet, I have expected Jonathan Rhys-Myers to ride past the camera on horseback.

These gowns were bad, but the worst dress of the night award goes to…

Lucy Liu in Carolina Herrera

There were a LOT of full-skirted dressed on the red carpet (see Zooey Deschanel, see Julia Louis Dreyfus, etc.), but none overwhelmed the wearer quite like this floral tapestry dress.  Even the impeccable fit (it was one of the few dresses all night that truly fit) could not save the gown from the bedspread print.  It looks like Carolina Herrera ran out of fabric and decided to skin Laura Ashley.

And because one worst-dressed is not enough to capture the horrors of the 2013 Globes carpet, we have a special “When Makeup Artists Attack” edition…

Kaley Cuoco in Zuhair Murad

Her dress is meh. Some liked it, some didn’t. But what floored me was the Marilyn Manson-esque makeup, which proves that not every woman can pull off burgundy lipstick.  

Not only does it age her by 10 years, but it masks her identity (Miss M thought she was Sharon Stone).  Were I not obsessed with all things Big Bang Theory (Penny! Penny! Penny!), I would not have known who she was.  

This year’s Globes was essentially a parade of loathsome gowns, so if I missed any that you thought were especially awful, feel free to share in the comments.  I need to finish this bottle of Sangria and pray that the good gowns are all being saved for the Oscars.  I’m such a glutton for punishment.

P.S.: All of the photos came from Getty Images via E!.