Golden Globes Red Carpet 2013: Worst Dressed

Jan 14, 2013

Disappointing. Hideous. Heartbreaking. Blech.  Words to describe the 2013 Golden Globes Red Carpet.  

After the 2012 Emmy’s Red Carpet was mostly barren of beauty, I thought, “Don’t worry, it will get better. The Globes and Oscars are coming.”  But last night proved that just because you wish for it won’t make it so.  And unlike so many fashion bloggers, commenters and TV personalities, I am not, NOT going to pretend that I was wow’ed by any of the gowns I saw.

No amount of alcohol could make watching one disheartening dress after another come down the carpet.  I would say to Miss M, “We still haven’t seen (fill in the name of typically well-dressed actress, here), there’s no need to panic.” And then, that actress would emerge from her black sedan in a shockingly lackluster gown, and I would refill my glass. Again, and again, and again. 

While there was a flood of ugliness to choose from for this year’s Golden Globes Worst Dressed List, I opted to include only those actresses who should banish their stylists to the unemployment line.  Thus, I present, the Golden Globes 2013: Stylists Who Should be Tarred and Feathered List.

Rachel Weisz in Louis Vuitton

If you want to wear a short dress, then wear a short dress.  Don’t staple two yards of sheer fabric to the bottom and pretend that you’re wearing a gown!

  Plus, I’m so bored with this that it actually hurts me.  Because you would think that as the wife of one British hottie, Daniel Craig, aka James Bond, she could take it up a notch. The only thing about this look I like is the snake bangle, but it seems totally out of place next to the sheer polka dots and prissy bow.

(For more examples of how half-sheer dresses are awful, see also Kerry Washington, who not only decided that a see through gown was a great idea, but also opted for a dress cut above her ankles like a pair of K-Mart capri pants.  It looked like someone trimmed her dress with a child’s craft scissor.)

Marion Cotillard in Christian Dior

“Business on the right, party on the left,” is how Miss M described this asymmetric burnt-orange dress.  Add the boring, flat hair, the lack of ear jewelry and a pair of pointed-toe Dyeables pumps–and what we have is an outfit with so many mismatched elements that you don’t know where to look, but everywhere you turn, all you see is sadness.

 

Lena Dunham in Zac Posen

I imagine that in a business filled with impossibly thin actresses and models, it must be difficult for a woman of a double-digit size to find a pretty, well-fitting gown.  But Octavia Spencer does it, and Lena has done it before, so there is really no excuse for the poor fit and blah-effect of this strangely-shaped gown.  It’s like a bad Mother of the Bride dress, and Posen should be ashamed of himself.

Halle Berry in Versace

How does a woman who wore one of the most epic red carpet dresses of all time, this Elie Saab, decide that a graphic-printed one-shoulder with cutouts and nude pointy toe shoes is a good idea?  It’s like knowing that Ben Affleck is capable of Argo and Good Will Hunting, but having to acknowledge that he also made Daredevil and Gigli.  She should have saved her BET Honors dress for the Globes.

Jessica Chastain in Calvin Klein

Jessica Chastain is an amazing actress, but when it comes to red carpet gowns, she is habitually disappointing.  The droopy bodice, the incorrectly applied double-stick tape and the slicked back hair make her look disheveled and unkempt.  Yank up the neckline and give the hair a Rita Hayworth flip, and it would be a lot better. But as is, it’s a Kafka-esque nightmare, hopefully, she experiences a metamorphosis prior to the Oscars.

Julianne Hough in Monique Lhuillier

The faux-hawk is vaguely reminiscent of a Gwen Stefani/Pink hybrid.  And as much as I hate to say it, Miley does the pretend-punk hair better.  And don’t get me started on how her jewelry was made from real dead bugs dipped in liquid metal.  

I would have at least given the dress a thumbs up, except for the giant, Anne Boleyn-style skirt.  There were so many Tudor-inspired skirts on the carpet, I have expected Jonathan Rhys-Myers to ride past the camera on horseback.

These gowns were bad, but the worst dress of the night award goes to…

Lucy Liu in Carolina Herrera

There were a LOT of full-skirted dressed on the red carpet (see Zooey Deschanel, see Julia Louis Dreyfus, etc.), but none overwhelmed the wearer quite like this floral tapestry dress.  Even the impeccable fit (it was one of the few dresses all night that truly fit) could not save the gown from the bedspread print.  It looks like Carolina Herrera ran out of fabric and decided to skin Laura Ashley.

And because one worst-dressed is not enough to capture the horrors of the 2013 Globes carpet, we have a special “When Makeup Artists Attack” edition…

Kaley Cuoco in Zuhair Murad

Her dress is meh. Some liked it, some didn’t. But what floored me was the Marilyn Manson-esque makeup, which proves that not every woman can pull off burgundy lipstick.  

Not only does it age her by 10 years, but it masks her identity (Miss M thought she was Sharon Stone).  Were I not obsessed with all things Big Bang Theory (Penny! Penny! Penny!), I would not have known who she was.  

This year’s Globes was essentially a parade of loathsome gowns, so if I missed any that you thought were especially awful, feel free to share in the comments.  I need to finish this bottle of Sangria and pray that the good gowns are all being saved for the Oscars.  I’m such a glutton for punishment.

P.S.: All of the photos came from Getty Images via E!

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  1. gingerr says:

    I am in total agreement about Jessica Chastain. Do you suppose she paid someone to advise her to wear that droopy boob dress? It's awful.

  2. MM says:

    YIKES! I'm glad to hear you feel the same about Kerry Washington's dress. On TODAY'S style segment this morning they actually put KW on the BEST dressed list and I thought…seriously? Am I missing something?!?!

    They did agree on the LL bedspread but tried to defend it b/c “it has pockets”. Ummm…NO.

  3. r says:

    I agree with you on all of these, except for the Lucy Liu dress; I thought it was beautiful and unusual (though that braid was unadvised.) At first, I really liked Rachel Weisz's dress… then I saw the sheer polka dots at the bottom. Yikes.

  4. Leslie says:

    Poor Rachel Weisz… that dress had an identity crisis, and the only remotely not awful sheer black polka dots I can recall seeing were when Kate Winslet wore a long-sleeve black dress with sheer polka-dotted sleeve thing, I think it was Stella McCartney.

    Um, what about Sienna Miller!?!?! I still can't understand why she would wear that. I think I had those same flower appliques on my bed in elementary school

  5. AR says:

    I really like Anne Hathaway's dress… somehow with her pixie cut it didn't look boring. Totally agree re the top of Jessica Chastain's dress though. I'm stunned that the people around her let her walk the red carpet with that droop!

  6. Miss M says:

    Oh. How did we forget Sienna Miller in that Erdem? It's so bad.

  7. JK says:

    Agree with all. The only dress and whole look I liked of the night was Jessica Alba. The color, cut, fit of the gown were great; great hair, gorgeous necklace.

  8. Amelia says:

    I agree with all the picks, and am dying of laughter with your commentary, save one. I actually liked lucy liu's dress!?!?!?! Not sure what that says about me . . .

  9. Katy says:

    I loved Marion Cotillard! So effortless on a night when everyone was squeezed into sequins. And I'm hoping Guiliana Rancic was not included here because you maintain, as do I, that she is not a celebrity and should not be stealing the spot light.

  10. Lady Lawyer says:

    Ugh, so agree. Was so upset with so many of my favorite ladies this time around. I also hated Lucy Liu's cottage curtains, but have heard others saying it was divine, so to each her own. The only one who I really loved was Kate Hudson. I'd die to have that black dress: fit perfectly, lovely gold accents, sexy cut-outs. I thought she nailed it.

    Otherwise…meh.

  11. Alli says:

    What about Tina Fey's L'Wren Scott dress that she wore on the red carpet? The hair and makeup were lovely, but that dress was awful. It had a collar, for chris'sakes.

  12. L says:

    Sienna Miller's getup should definitely be on this list.

    I didn't loathe Lucy Liu's dress. Here's why: I recognize that I'm not going to like every attempt at avant-grade style or every fashion trend, so I can forgive the fabric even though I didnt like it. I did appreciate that despite the wacky fabric choice, the dress was exceptionally well-made and flattering. Too often I can't respect a “statement” because designers try to use the words “fashion” and “couture” to cover up a sloppy sewing job and complete unawareness of how to flatter a woman's body.

  13. Cole says:

    Can we please talk J.Lo/J.La (as Will + Kristen would have us call her). For J.Lo-not sure what was more embarrassing: that awful white lace, puckering-at-seems, disaster she wore…. or her date…or the fact that she's in a movie with Jason action-guy. And J.La: so gorgeous, funny, and talented…and wore FLAPS over her breasts. Ugh, pass that sangria.

  14. becky says:

    Agree with most, but I loved Kerry Washington's. That Miu Miu was fab and she looked ethereal. Poor Rachel Weisz. A polka dot bomb. Halle Berry looked like a stripper heading to the beach in a bad cover-up, no-no-no! Overall it was mostly disappointing, but thankfully Claire Danes brought her A game in Versace. Boom.
    -Becky
    The Pumpkin Spot

  15. GoGoGo says:

    Rosario Dawson has to be one of the most gorgeous women in that room. But the dress didn't help at all.

    Exhibit A for the idea that: if you have an amazing hourglass figure, more fabric can actually make you look a little more hoochy, and more skin can make you look more appropriate.

  16. GoGoGo says:

    I like L's comment on Lucy Liu's dress. I don't know how they constructed it, but it fits her so snugly and precisely, she could be the plastic bride on a wedding cake.

  17. Melissa says:

    i actually really really loved lucy liu's dress. the fit is so perfect, and i'm a total sucker for floral. now, it might not have been terribly appropriate for the occasion (although, better here than the oscars, right?) but she looked comfortable and happy.

    jessica chastain definitely was the one who stood out to me as the worst dressed. her gown, if it can be called that, was a mess. and her hair, just, gross. it looked like she had just stepped out of the shower.

    and honestly, i think halle berry looks like an amazon. she's so confident and pulls off the whole look. (also, so many legs imitating angelina jolie)

    kaley cuoco, she just gets so close and never quite hits the nail on the head. maybe next time.

    and lena dunham's dress actually is really neat, with the origami-like details. it just looks like it wasn't the right dress FOR HER.

  18. Alex says:

    Absolutely loved the fabric in Lucy Lui's dress. Not mad about the design of the dress but that fabric looked great. Fab base colour and the right-sized flowers.

    If, you've got a bed=spread made of that please put the link up.

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