Last night was painful.  Not only was I drinking pink champagne on an empty stomach (no bueno), but I also had to suffer through two hours of Seacrest’s Viagra jokes and inappropriate humor.  It’s a miracle that I survived. 

So since I’m feeling a bit punchy this morning, I thought we’d start with the actresses who set out to bring the goods to the red carpet but only brought the LOLs.  Style is subjective, but sometimes a gown is so ugly that even those weirdos who think that Heatherette is fashionable find themselves in a critical mood.  Here are the starlets, icons and wannabes who’ll be firing their stylists come Tuesday.

In the weeks leading up to the Globes, there was breathy speculation about what Natalie Portman would wear.  Would the stylish starlet wear Lanvin or Armani Prive? Perhaps, Dior would be in order.  And how would she conceal that baby bump?  

Why, with a Valentine’s Day-themed bath towel with a large red, sequined rose cinching the bust.

I have such a bone to pick with Viktor & Rolf.

I love Burberry Prorsum, but this dress is too casual and too drab for the red carpet.  

Leighton Meester also achieves a fashion non-sequitir by pairing this school-marmish dress with a tasseled, gold-paneled clutch and sequin Jimmy Choo’s.  Perhaps, she should have asked Blake Lively’s stylist for some advice?

The caption for this photo is, “Jennifer Lopez is celebrating her Quincenera 26 years late.”  I would also have accepted, “J.Lo tries subliminal messaging to convince Hollywood executives that the world is ready for a Dynasty remake.”  

Like the shimmery white eyeshadow that she seems to adore, J.Lo should go back to 2001, when people gave a damn about who she was wearing.  I don’t even care enough to Google the designer’s name.

One of the things that I was looking forward to most on this year’s red carpet, was the triumphant return of Red Carpet veterans Nicole Kidman and Halle Berry.  But instead of trumpets, I got crickets.  

Halle (in Nina Ricci) looks like she’s reliving her days as Catwoman in a dress that she could have brought at Frederick’s of Hollywood.  But at the very least, this dress proves that some women are just too damn hot for their own good.  

  Nicole’s dress (Prada) is perfectly schizophrenic with a pretty bow at the waist and dark metal, turquoise brooch on the shoulder.  Perhaps these ladies should have taken a lesson from Brett Favre, sometimes a comeback is just overstaying your welcome.

While the veterans certainly had their fair share of misses, some of the worst fashion faux pas on the carpet were made by actresses (?) trying to climb the ladder to stardom.  And no one embodies the sociopathic social climber trying too hard to wind up on the best dressed list like Julianne Hough.  

So while the ass kissers over at Fab Sugar may have called this dress “dramatic” and “statuesque.” I find that it’s difficult to be statuesque when your slightly taller than an Oompa Loompa, and being weighted down by a 20lb jewel-encrusted horse collar.

Michelle Williams was another actress who I was dying to see, until I did.  I have no idea why she chose a khaki, daisy-printed dress, but hopefully, Valentino can live with himself for killing her chances at becoming a fashion icon. Having a failure like this on your fashion resume is like admitting that you worked for Jack Abramoff.

But while all of these gowns certainly belong on the Worst Dressed List, one faux pas stands above (or is it below?) the rest…

When you’re bouncing back from an ugly divorce, you want to make a splash on the red carpet in an outfit that will make your ex say, “Whoa.”  Sadly, ScarJo fails to meet this threshold in a look that can best be described as Bride of Frankenstein does Spring runway.  Surely, this ensemble will elicit more of a “WTF?”

It really doesn’t help that her ex’s (rumored) paramour Sandra Bullock showed up looking boho-chic in a soft Jenny Packham gown that makes this dress looked like a tulle and sequined bathrobe.  Better luck next time, honey.