As you know, I grew up out West, in God’s Country.  A place where hiking, biking, rock climbing, hunting and fishing were regular weekend activities.  But after years of city dwelling, my wardrobe is no longer suited for outdoorsy living.  Unless, of course, I can traverse the Rocky Mountains in 4” high heels. 

Oh, wait, I can?

Meet the Teva Stiletto, the classic sport sandal “re-imagined” as a high heel and “co-branded” with New York shoe designer Grey Ant.  The seller, High Mart, is calling it the “most daring mash-up of the decade” and “anti-fashion” in its purest form.  Daily Candy dubbed them the “most comfortable high-performance heels on the planet.” 

Co-branded? High-performance? Mash-Up? Anti-Fashion?  Re-imagined?

Enough with the hyphenates already! 

New Rule: If it requires more than two hyphenated words to describe your creation, you better think twice about engineering such an ungodly mutation, Dr. Moreau.

As for the description, unless your product has an engine, it can’t be described as high-performance.  Mash-ups are for shameless musical collaborations designed to sell records from which two parties can profit (see: Glee).  And the last time I re-imagined something this disturbing, I was having a Percodin induced nightmare about Sean Penn being elected president.

These shoes are not only ghastly, they’re false advertising.  Because while the ad campaign might cause the granola crunching, weekend outdoorswoman to think that she can climb a mountain or push a wheelbarrow in these shoes, the company’s disclaimer says otherwise. 

*Not recommended for actual hiking, gardening, mountain climbing, or Phish concerts 🙂

Don’t you smile at me, you lying, cheating copywriter!  You’ve endorsed the wearing of “outdoorsy-style socks” with high heel sandals.  Your credibility is shot to hell!

And can someone explain to me why these monstrosities cost $330?  Is it because they’re available in “Limited quantities. First-come, first-served?” Or is it because anyone dumb enough to purchase this product is clearly too stupid to be trusted with money, and should be bankrupted as quickly as possible for the good of society?

The bottom line is that I know none of my readers would ever deign to purchase such a hideous shoe as this.  But if you haven’t already cancelled your subscription to Daily Candy, please do so now. 

Ever since they were purchased by Comcast, they have morphed from daily fashion scripture into pay-for-play junk mail.  Publishing support for a re-imagined, anti-fashion, high-performance sandal, high heel mash-up just proves that they have no integrity.