Belle's Recap of The Hill's 50MB

 

First thought on The Hill’s 50 Most Beautiful: “Oh my Lord, the choices are actually attractive. No one makes me gasp in horror.” I know that this shouldn’t be a surprise, but given past performance, it was like finding out that there’s a Santa Claus.

Unlike last year, I will not be writing an in-depth recap of each candidate, because as much fun as that was, I’d like not to be jumped on my way out of the building. 

So grab a copy of The Hill and let’s get this party started (for those of you playing the home version, click here).

Alexis Latifi—Great hair, nice smile, good makeup application, and a fabulous statement necklace that she made herself. Homemade jewelry and organic cooking? She’s like a Stepford staffer. 

Also, that sound you hear is the soft murmur of thousands of female Hill staffers Googling “raw food diet.” Because if eating unprocessed foods helps you look like that, Restaurant Associates will probably be bombarded with requests for more raw food options in the cafeterias.

And Alexis, if you’re reading this, I’ll be happy to post your jewelry making tutorial any time.  Or just pay you to make me something, either way…

Laura Donahoe—Laura has the kind of adorable cuteness that I’ve come to expect from the women of the Mid-Atlantic region.  The kind of look that Miss M once described as “Everywhere pretty, but D.C. hot.”  But while she’s certainly attractive enough to be included, I’m bored to tears with the sheath dress and pearls. 

Apparently Van Scoyoc isn’t looking for associates who break the Jackie Kennedy mold.

Sen. Gillibrand—Yeah, right.  If you think I’m going to say one thing about a sitting U.S. Senator, you are sorely mistaken.  Long time readers will recall the “Groom Incident,” and understand why this line of inquiry is completely off limits.  Next!

Doug Thornell—Between the dogs in the photo, the “single and dating” description, and the fact that the reporter calls him “coiffed,” “chiseled,” and “heartthrob” in the first six lines; I thought I’d accidentally wandered onto a Match.com advertisement. 

Also, to be “coiffed,” don’t you actually have to have more than ¼ inch of hair?  Perhaps the reporter was referring to the dog?

Ben Dunham—Holy Hair Gel, Batman!  Perhaps Dep should start a PAC?

Nichelle Williams—My limp, humidity afflicted locks are totally jealous of her perfect hairdo, but the outfit is sending me into a tailspin.  Seersucker, cable knit and pearls?  Nichelle’s outfit makes Laura Donahoe look like a rebellious fashion risk taker. 

Asa Lopatin—I’ve never been a fan of facial hair on men, unless of course, you have the perfect Brad Pitt stubble.  Or perhaps, I’m just a fan of Brad Pitt.  Either way, I wouldn’t want my distaste for the bearded face to color my judgment, so feel free to add your thoughts in the comments.

Anu Vakkalanka—How can I pick on a fellow blogger?  I can’t.  Except to say that if you’re going to talk about your “Michelle Obama-esque biceps,” you should be prepared to show them off.

Out of the Top Ten and things get interesting…

Sarah Spear—Four words: Full Length Evening Gown.  (Bang head here.)  Without the accompanying interview to explain her selection, Spear’s photo looks like she took a wrong turn on the way to meet Prince Charming at The Ball. 

With the interview, she comes off as a girl who just desperately wanted the world to know that she owns an Oscar de la Renta evening gown.  “Go big or go home,” how about just go home and change clothes.

She does, however, have well toned shoulders.  See?  I can be nice.  Ish.

Amit Bagga—Is he wearing eyeliner?  Cause I think he’s wearing eyeliner.  Why is he wearing eyeliner?

Kaitlyn Gibson—Her fabulous angled bob makes me want to chop off my locks.  I also appreciate that she made an effort to try something bold with her long, colorful scarf.  Certainly better than choosing a strand of pearls.

Ryan Fitzpatrick—I’ve never met this guy, so I hate to judgehim by his appearance…wait, what am I talking about?  Isn’t that why he posed in the first place? To be judged (hopefully, favorably) by his appearance?  So here it goes…

Fitzpatrick’s unbuttoned vest, come hither stare, and McDreamy pompadour all make me want to gag.  Sure, it’s supposed be sexy, but it just comes off pompous and abrasive.  Half the men on the Hill will want to kick his ass, the other half will just laugh heartily.  And as for the women, most will be giving his Abercrombie model pose the big eyeroll.

Christine Sequenzia—Should start offering a makeup application tutorial to Hill Interns because that blush is perfectly applied.  Bravo.

Rep. Duncan D. Hunter—This is me not saying anything about his shirt and tie combination.

Now, some general thoughts…

While the ladies of the 50MB were a HUGE improvement over previous years, the guys were just okay.  Sure, I could make the obvious comment about the lack of really attractive men in D.C., but that would be too easy. 

The photography this year was also a big improvement.  As you recall, one of my biggest complaints last year was that the shutterbugs had folded the candidates into so many awkward positions that they all looked uncomfortable and disjointed. Remember the more woman who wound up with a rear muffin top because they posed her seated, leaning forward, on top of a marble block?  Yeah, good times.

Lastly, the 50MB is by no means a scientific poll.  Every year, I hear complaints about how there are better looking people on the Hill than in the pages of the paper, and that may very well be true.  But since no one is forced to participate, and many staffers who care about their careers decline, you’ll never be able to get a complete list.

Even Sen. Scott Brown, who’s People Mag photoshoot from the 1980s gets as much press as Rep. Aaron Schock’s abs, shied away from posing for this year’s list. 

Add to that, the fact that “beauty” is entirely subjective, and one man’s number one choice is another man’s “really, they chose her?”  Thus, there’s no such thing as a perfect list.  But by all accounts, this list was certainly better than last year’s list.

So what did you think of the 50 Most Beautiful?  Leave your thoughts in the comments.