It’s Cinco de Mayo. And on the fifth of May the tequila and cerveza flows like water throughout the nation’s capital. Since I’m 28, celibate and on a low-carb diet, I don’t really need to worry about walking shamefully down a cobblestone street tomorrow, but some of you do. And while I’m not interested in the particulars of what young interns and staffers do when there’s an open bar around, I do want to make sure that we are clear on two things.
Ladies, carry condoms. Seriously, find a brand that you like and carry them and when the time comes, use them. Boyfriend, no boyfriend. Date, no date. I know most Hill staffers look like clean, upstanding young men but to quote my Mother, “You don’t know where that’s been.” Carry protection, be safe, and live to a ripe old age.
Secondly, there are a lot of women on the Hill who wear the wrong undergarments. Their bras don’t fit. Their panty lines show. Their Spanx peek out from underneath their skirts when they walk. And the inability of professional women to wear the proper foundation garments is one of the great tragedies of our time. But don’t take my word for it, see for yourself.
Not so attractive now, is it? Never fear. There is a solution to the underwear conundrum and it can be solved with a little time, money and know how.
First, find a bra that fits. Should you need a professional for this, Coup de Foudre in Penn Quarter and any Nordstrom’s store in the land can help you. I’ve been wearing a size 34B since I was 14, last week, I measured myself and the calculations came out to 32G. Since math was never my strongest subject, I will be seeking clarity from Valerie at CDF because I simply can’t believe that that’s accurate.
Now that you know your size, every woman needs three bras. One convertible bra for versatility, one nude t-shirt bra, and one lacy, lingerie-quality bra for those days when you just want to feel pretty. From there, the possibilities are endless.
If you don’t have a fortune to spend on undergarments and want to buy just one, buy the convertible bra with a smooth finish in nude. This will solve a myriad of issues.
Second, buy the right accessories. Strap Perfect and products like it were designed to help you keep your unsightly bra straps hidden. This product is essential for the summer months because your summer tops will have a variety of sleeve styles and this product covers just about all of them.
In addition to strap perfect, I buy a new stick-on bra from NuBra each summer because then you don’t have to worry about halter tops, backless dresses or racerback tanks.
Lastly, too many of you are still wearing full coverage cotton underwear. Please stop. I used to be one of you, a thong hating full coverage girl, but I learned the error of my ways and you can too. They’re called Hanky Pankies and they will save your life.
Now I know that for some of you, thong is a four letter word. But I promise, they’re comfortable. They very rarely ride up, they’re stretchy and most importantly, no panty line. Plus, they’re lacy and pretty and come in 3,000 colors. And if you can’t bring yourself to buy a thong, I hear the lace boyshorts are nice too.
So whether someone will be seeing your undergarments tonight or not, there is no reason to go through life wearing the wrong unmentionables. Because what goes on underneath is just as important as what you’re wearing on the outside.