In my younger years, I was a know-it-all. I was certain I belonged at the table. I bickered with senior staff, raised my hand even when I shouldn’t have, and was absolutely certain I was going to make it.
Was it obnoxious? Probably. Okay, yes. But I needed that arrogance to get me through.
When you come from a small town where people expect you to stay put and tell you that your dreams are stupid and your odds of success are minimal, you need a chip on your shoulder just to get out. Every ex-boyfriend who said I was ‘too much’ and every teacher who told me to aim a little lower was just fuel for the voice inside of me that said, “Show them.” I needed to prove them all wrong, and for a long time, that was enough.
But somewhere along the way, I brushed that chip off of my shoulder.
I’m not sure exactly when. Maybe it was after I proved enough people wrong that it stopped mattering. Maybe it was after enough rejections, mistakes, and nights lying awake replaying something dumb I said in a meeting. Maybe it was meeting enough people who were just as good or better and figuring out that I wasn’t so special after all. But whatever happened that confidence is gone, and it took a lot of my ambition with it.
These days, I second-guess everything: every email, every post, every idea I pitch. I catch myself fretting that this is the wrong path or the wrong choice or the wrong everything. I am constantly struggling with not feeling like enough in ways that 26-year-old me would have laughed at. She wanted everything, and she was sure she’d get it. I barely know the woman who believed in herself so much that she entered every room like God sent her.
So what happened?
Is losing my edge a part of aging?
Is it the perspective that comes with meeting people who are smarter, better, and more disciplined?
Is it personal growth to stop using spite as fuel?
Or did I just lose my mojo somewhere between the husband, the baby, and the job changes that came with them?
Maybe it’s all of the above.
Here’s what I do know: I don’t want the youthful arrogance back, but I’d love to get some of that fire — the clear eyed determination that once pushed me through walls like the Kool-Aid Man. Instead, I find myself unwilling to take risks or ask for favors, and constantly unsure of whether anything I’m doing is right. Or worse, being absolutely certain that it’s wrong. And as I embark on this new phase of my career, I could use a lit match in my hand. Or at least enough smolder to work on building a steadier, more level-headed confidence, because that’s what I would like to project to my daughter.
I have a feeling I’m not the only one trying to bridge this chasm in middle age. So tell me, have you lost a bit of your mojo too? And if you got it back, how?
+ Are clothes worse now? An investigation. (Instyle)
+ The green color on this $39 sweater is sublime.
+ This video explains the rise of the mid-life ‘baddie bots’ selling you supplements. (Charlotte Parler)
+ Evereve is having a sale on sale. This dark denim top caught my eye.
+ These women never they’d change last names, but did it anyway. (WaPost)
+ Ulta Purchases: non-aerosol dry shampoo and a lightweight lotion for winter skin.
+ Can being called “detailed oriented” stall your career? (The Conversation)
+ The color combination on this striped cashmere polo is sublime.
+ Cinnamon Pull Apart Bread for busy holiday mornings. (Eat the Love)
+ Welcome Winter: These chunky suede boots are for snow and these Chelsea rain boots are for rain.
+ Why is everyone romanticizing the 2010s? (Harper’s Bazaar)
+ This fleece jacket and this turtleneck cardigan are just proof Varley gets casual wear.
+ On ambition and motherhood coexisting. (Reddit)
+ This Christmas red sweater with a bow back is extremely cute.
+ Just as true today as it was six years ago. (Scary Mommy)
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I’m within a year of your age. Some observations…
-I’m more willing to look critically at what I think I should want vs. what I actually want.
-The more I know, the more I know what I *don’t* know.
-The older I get, the more I appreciate how we’re all learning as we go. Some lessons harder than others.
-Re all of the above, I’m spending as much time with soon-to-be-retired execs at my org as possible.
100% agree with “The more I know, the more I know I don’t know.”
These are all spot on – work is not the only priority or way I feel valued and challenged anymore, and I feel that now I have a better idea of how to get things done, I don’t need 12 hour work day to do that.
That said, for Abra – Sloane is still so young, my kids are now 9 and 5 and I feel like I am getting my energy back. My kids are now able to get themselves breakfast while I sleep in on a weekend, they don’t wake up in the middle of the night most nights, they are so much more independent and thats given me so much time and energy. Give it time!
100% this.
I am in my 40s and experiencing a lot of the same self doubt and uncertainty in my career right now. Earlier this year, I left a job I was great at because it had become more frustrating than fulfilling. I also didn’t feel like I was growing anymore. But I find myself second guessing everything in my new role. Maybe I’ve just lost some of the youthful confidence and certainty that I know what’s right? Maybe it’s a good thing. It feels hard though and I wonder if I will ever feel really great at my job again.
I feel all of this. I’m 39 and I’ve been a SAHM for 2.5 years. That was never the plan, but it’s worked out well for our family. Whenever I’m asked about “what is next?” and “when do you plan to go back to (PAID) work?”, I don’t have a real answer. (See: kid’s schedule + spouse who travels all the time) 20-something me had a career plan and ambition/motiviation by the truck load. I think I lost her when corporate burn out hit a 2x in the same industry. It’s hard to want to run through a brick wall for a career/company that will slam you into it, first. You are not alone.
This post resonated so hard for me. I asked Claude today about “what if I just don’t strive anymore?”. I’m 38 with 2 kiddos under 5. My fire was just embers postpartum after Kid 1, and then, petered out completely with a terrible role where I had expected and hoped it would lift me out of my career malaise. The role was so terrible that it sent me into burnout and then medical leave. I’m in a new company now and trying to find that young ambitious power boss within me, but at the same time, maybe it’s the season of unhurried-ness in life. I’m not built like other ambitious women I admire, and I don’t have the same resources or energy to keep striving endlessly. Perhaps it is maturity, perhaps it is simply that life just is.
You’re definitely not alone with doubting yourself and burnout. I took some time off to stay at home with my daughter due to some medical needs and scheduling (and went back to school during that time to get another few letters after my name). I started my own business earlier this year and that has been extremely motivating – I love what I do and am driven to be successful in ways I haven’t felt since my early 20s. I think most things in life ebb and flow – this might just be a time to recollect yourself and figure out what you want to do next.
I lost my mojo when life got busy with young kids. I just didn’t have it in me to be the best in my hectic work life anymore while also trying to be a good/present mom. I know this is normal, but it’s still a tough season to get through! I was also in marketing at the time, which is a field that is constantly changing and morphing. It was so draining! I couldn’t keep up, and that left me feeling bad about myself.
Luckily, I work for a small tight-knit company that allowed me to do a complete career change within the company. I’m now in a totally different department, learning a whole new field, and I LOVE it. It suits me much better and I’m learning new things, which means I’m not a slave to the work anymore. It’s actually energizing, and my kids love to ask me questions about what I’m learning/doing. It’s still tough to juggle all the different versions of myself, but I feel like the career change has given me some mojo back.
I bought the green sweater earlier this week and have already worn it twice, with plans to wear it again this weekend.
35, no kids, but 5 cats and two sets of aging, needy parents. Well paying but deeply unfulfilling job. I’m good at what I do, but I don’t get to do much of what I enjoy doing or feel energized by due to nonstop corporate politics and bureaucracy and a revolving door of leadership, reorgs, and lack of role clarity. If I wanted to be in politics, I’d be in politics.
I’m up for a promotion that I do hope I get (long overdue, but held up by the above) – but my drive is gone. I’m struggling with self-worth because I am guilty of that thing where I tied it to my work for two third of forever.
Once again: perfectly worded! I’m a few years ahead of you. If it’s any consolation, once your kid(s) get a little older, you are able to think more critically about what you actually want. Hang in there. It’s a hard season of life, but I promise it gets easier.
That Reddit post makes me want to light stuff on fire. Going back at 10.5 weeks is not a flex if you have more time to take. I am also ambitious, and also, I was a hot, anxious mess after giving birth both times. I was still bleeding at 10.5 weeks! It also took me a year to realize how bad it all was, and another after that to feel like myself again. Also, just because SHE can afford (literally what is her childcare for a 10.5 week costing) to go back early doesn’t mean the folks earlier in their careers can.
I am ambitious. That didn’t change, but many other things did. I aggressively brought my second to many places because it was easier for me, and I absolutely talk about my kids at work, especially with outside partners. My org is not about to Mommy Track me, so I will loudly ask about pumping spaces and accommodations in service to everyone who comes next.