Hue City Jeans Boyfriend Shorts ($28)

The Jegging Jort Informercial:

Announcer: Made from a blend of synthetic fabrics, the Jegging-Jort, or Double J, can be worn for any occasion.  Headed to the county fair for a funnel cake and some skee ball?  Throw on the Double J.  Need to pick up another six pack of Four Loco for the dorm party?  The Double J will look splendid with your sequined tank and Lucite heels.  For more formal occasions, wear them with a long-sleeved plaid shirt and six inch patent leather heels.  Because nothing says class and sophistication like patent leather!

Model: I love my Double Js! They’re perfect for my busy-Mom-on-the-go lifestyle.  No matter what my kids spill on them, I can just toss them in the wash.  And if my husband wants to take me to dinner at the Rib Shack, I can go from yoga to evening out without having to change.

Announcer: Double Js are styled with a miniscule flap-pocket on the rear, to flatter every derriere.  And the tiny cuff and faux-seam detail lengthen the leg line and slim the thigh. 

Flattering on every body type, and made without a binding waist band, the Double J is sure to be your go-to fashion staple summer and winter.

Double Js are also the perfect fit for hard-to-shop-for relatives. 

Model:  I bought one for my Mother and my Sister.  They were the perfect Mother’s Day gift.  They were both so thrilled, they didn’t know what to say.

Announcer:  Call in the next twenty minutes and we’ll give you not one, but two Double Js!  And if you pay with a credit card, pick up this tasteful, imitation rhinestone belly chain at no extra cost! Double Js are also found at fine retailers like Wal-Mart and Piggly Wiggly! Get yours today!

And Scene.

Seriously though, I don’t mean to mock anyone of a Southern, Western or redneck persuasion.  (Particularly since my Mother is Southern and I am a Westerner.) But only a completely absurd, satirical informercial script could sate my need for snark.

A Jegging-Jort is the worst fashion hybrid that I can imagine.  Unless, of course, Vera Bradley starts making shearling boots (shudder).

The cut, style and color of these shorts will look atrocious on 99% of women.  I’m sure the model is glad that they cropped her face out of the photo.  Otherwise, she’d have to enter the Fashion Victim Relocation Program. 

Jegging-Jorts are the Fourth Horseman of the Sartorial Apocalypse.  Have we really become so lazy and overweight as a society that we can’t even wear jorts with a real waistband?  (Not that anyone should be wearing jorts at all.)  How much is our “comfort” worth to us?  Is it worth our pride, our sense of style, our self respect? 

Like Uggs, Crocs and a myriad of other fashion sins, this one was born from the Slobbification of America.  There are a cadre of Americans who believe that the most important thing is to be comfortable, and that anyone who judges their Jegging-Jorts is uppity and shallow. 

But this simply isn’t true.  Comfort and style are NOT mutually exclusive.  And taking pride in your appearance is not a sin. 

To recap, Jegging-Jorts will not look good on anyone.  The pocket placement, the cut, the structure-averse fabric will not do your figure any favors.  Instead of these unsightly hybrids from Hades, try a knee-length jersey skirt or a pair of chino shorts.  There is simply no reason why anyone should ever spend $28 of her hard-earned money to wear something that is ugly, unflattering and speaks to her underlying lack of good taste. 

As for Hue, the maker of these monstrous things, I will no longer be buying their products.  They were once my favorite purveyor of tights for winter, but this nonsense is unforgivable.  They should consider themselves blacklisted.