I hate Jennifer Aniston. But it’s not her shockingly mediocre acting skills or the tabloid frenzy she creates that send me into a tizzy, I hate her because of “The Rachel.”
You see, until “The Rachel,” I could stroll into any beauty shop in America and ask to have my hair cut one length, but thanks to that mid-90s shag, hair without layers is no longer an option. They call it movement or shape or removing bulk, but no matter what terminology they use, they always mean adding layers. And frankly, I’m sick of living in a post-Friends world where hair without layers is unheard of.
This weekend, when I asked my new hairdresser to cut three inches off of the bottom layer of my hair and just trim the top layer, thereby achieving almost one-length hair, that’s what I thought I would get. But once again, my plans were foiled by a Layered Hair Propagandist.
Instead of getting what I asked for, I got the exact same haircut that I had before (top layer three to four inches shorter than the bottom layer), but I lost four inches in length. To say that I am ticked off beyond measure would be an understatement. When I pointed out to her that this was not what I had asked for, I was told that it was exactly what I had asked for, and that even if it wasn’t, I “need layered hair because my hair is so fine.”
I almost cursed obscenities.
Is it too much to ask for a hairdresser who listens? Who doesn’t let her vision of how your hair should look trump your own? Who went to a beauty school where they taught you that there were other options besides layered hair?
Every hairdresser that I’ve gone to since 1994 has insisted upon layering my hair to the point of shag despite my repeated assertions that I like one length hair. I didn’t graduate from cosmetology school, but that doesn’t mean that I surrendered my right to have a say about how my hair is cut. I’ve lived 24 years with a full head of hair, and I have some idea about how I like it to look.
So now, instead of being happy with my hair (which, I should mention is a part of my being), I am furious that I lost six months worth of grow out. And to the overeager implementation of the texturizing scissor, I ended up with bangs that are thick on the sides, thin in the middle, and too short when dry.
Awesome. I look like I’m 15.
To fix this catastrophe, I am employing a two-pronged strategy: 1) wear hair up almost every day so I don’t have to look at the bluntly-cut, uneven ends anymore. (Seriously, it looks like I cut it myself with kitchen shears.), 2) Make it grow faster. While there is no proven way to make your hair grow faster, you can improve your nutrition, which may give you a little boost.
Today, I will take a multi-vitamin, Folic Acid and four fish oil capsules. I will also eat more vegetables, and drink at least one glass of milk per day. This formula has worked for me in the past, so I assume it will work now. But until it does, all I can do is wait. Patiently.
If anyone has a recommendation for an under $75-hairstylist who doesn’t become spontaneously deaf when a customer asks for non-layered hair, let me know. I should need a trim in 5-6 months (grumble, grumble, grumble). Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go ingest several dozen horse pills.
Damn you, Aniston!
**Update** I think it goes without saying that I am not a medical expert and that before you start taking any vitamins, you should check with your physician. But just in case, I said it.