Monday, Monday: Dopamine Drip

Tuesday was hard. Wednesday was harder. Thursday, I cried five times before lunch. But not about the election.

As a Day Zero #NeverTrump Republican, I knew that one day my party would lick the stove and find out it was hot. Hubris is a powerful drug, and withdrawal is merciless. But that doesn’t mean the blue wave doesn’t leave a wide debris field.

Moderate Republicans across the nation woke up to find that pro-environment, pro-choice, pro-democracy members of our party were washed out to sea, while many of the people wearing the red hats were safe in their gerrymandered districts rejecting all calls for accountability or introspection. Places that were red went purple. Places that were blue went navy. And with that, Republican and moderate Democratic staffers who serve this nation through the vehicles that a two-party system provides were swept up by the tide.

In my case, working for the Washington House Republican Caucus already presented significant challenges. Relocating from Spokane to Olympia for a 105-day cycle was going to cost me $14,000 post-tax dollars just to do my job. It meant changing schools for Sloane. Living in a rented house I’d never seen in person. Moving Kyle more than an hour away from the airport he needs access to for his job. And altering every daily system and routine that makes parenthood and work-life balance possible, including being without respite childcare to cover for illness or late work nights. Doing my job during session was going to be a lift even in the best of times.

So when the election returns showed a substantial number of likely GOP losses, our caucus had to prepare for the possibility of losing 2-4 staffers to the new staffing ratio. One of my colleagues is already retiring after 40 years of service. And I have a standing offer to return to a prior law firm, so I made the incredibly gut-wrenching, soul-sucking choice to step aside so one less person in my office had to worry about losing needed employment.

My only solace is that I will see Sloane every day. I will read stories to her every night in her rocking chair. I will feel the warmth of her tiny foot resting against my leg at every dinner. I will drop her at a vetted school where I know she is loved.

But f**k does it hurt. Like from a depth I didn’t know could exist without an actual death in the family. I am losing a piece of myself, and there is no saving it. I decided at 14 years old that I wanted to be a staffer — back when books told me the job was called public policy analyst — and I came back to the warm blanket of my childhood dream only to lose it again 12 months later. But for one last, glorious year, I got to talk about government all day and write bills to solve problems and try to make the sausage recipe a little bit better.

I need dopamine right now, bad. I’m eating my feelings and crawling into the safe hideaway of beloved fixations. So let’s talk about those, because the last thing I want to talk about is how I go back to Bates numbering exhibits and answering opposing counsel e-mails and reading 800 page claim files.

Dress for Success. Do I want to get dressed for work this week? No. I want to keep my drop-off sweats on and wear a Chord baseball cap and grovel. But I have Zoom meetings to attend, so I need to look presentable.

This cropped shirt from TWP is what I’m wearing today. Tomorrow, I will wear this short sleeve sweater from Theory under a ponte blazer. I also own Theory’s Regal Wool sweater in long sleeve and this button up turtleneck cardigan. Theory’s Regal Wool is the only wool I can wear without itching like a dog with fleas. I also love that it is thing enough to wear.

Comfort Food. Kyle firmly believes soup is not meal. It is this week, buddy. Broth bowls. Peanut and sweet potato soup. Sausage and lentil. The Instant Pot is getting a workout this week.

Rebroadcast. I will either be rewatching Veronica Mars or The West Wing this week. If I make it through those. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip will make an appearance (which I have to watch on DVD), though it’s a double-edged sword since Matthew Perry died. If you hear the music from season one of Grey’s Anatomy emanating from my home, send help.

The Airwaves. No Country for Old Women and Maintenance Phase just make morning walks better.

Chilled Out. Speaking of walks, it’s cold here. These are the gloves, socks, and puffer that keep warm.

Aromatics. When all else fails, make your kitchen smell like Levain cookies.

{this post contains affiliate links that may generate commission for the author}