Golden Globes 2012: Belle's Worst Dressed List

While there was a lot to “Meh” about at this year’s Golden Globes, there were so many awful dresses that I actually had to pare the list down.  Here are the also rans that were too terrible for the “Meh” list, but not horrifying enough to make the worst-dressed list:

Tilda Swinton’s periwinkle David-Bowie-meets-mother-of-the-bride suit got a pass because that fashionista just does not give a f**k what anyone thinks, and you have to admire that kind of sociopathic confidence.  

Charlize Theron donned blush pink Dior and a sparkly headband for her turn down the carpet.  Personally, I feel that 36 is too old for a sequin headband.  Just ask 14-year-old Hailee Steinfeld who donned a similar ensemble for last year’s Oscars. 

Kate Winslet’s dowdy, two-toned Jenny Packham was spared only because my love for Kate burns brighter than Richard Branson’s beach house smoldering in the moonlight.  

Madonna’s cups-runneth-over Reem Acra–a travesty rivaled only by her narcissistic acceptance speech complete with faux British accent.  But since putting her on the worst-dressed list would require having a photo of her on my blog, I took a pass.

Rooney Mara’s method acting is dipping into Joaquin Phoenix territory.  The actress seems unwilling to accept that she is not Lisbeth Sander.  So while her black Nina Ricci gown was cool, her jet-black-from-a-bottle hair and treadmill ponytail were atrocious.

Kristin Wiig, Amy Poehler and Katharine McPhee all committed a terrible sin by selecting frocks the same color as their skin tone–because nothing says glamour like being completely washed out. But there were so many blush and flesh colored dresses on the carpet, that only the one I hated the most could make the list, see below.

I don’t know who Missi Pyle is but her chartreuse dress complete with a fluffy, floral waist corsage did nothing to distract from the Picasso painting happening on her face.  It looks like she fell headlong into the L’Oreal display at the local CVS.

Julianna Marguiles’s ill-fitting mauve frock, Heidi Klum’s too-beachy-for-January look, Amanda Peet’s pouffy, tiered Marc Jacobs and Jenna Dewan’s busty, green goddess gown (goddess gown, what is this? 2005?) were all granted a middling reprieve.  Because while they were bad, they couldn’t come close to the following travesties.

Emily Blunt in Elie Saab

Blunt was a vision of conservative Vegas showgirl in a lacy, sequined Big Bird yellow frock which was so snug her ribs were crying out for freedom.  Combined with her heroin-chic eye makeup and too-dark bed head, this look fell flatter than her Razzie nominated performance in The Wolfman.

Jessica Biel in Elie Saab

Where to begin to describe the epic fail that was Jessica Biel on the Globes carpet?  Should it be with the six-shades-too-dark, Morticia Adams reminiscent hair?  Perhaps with the pinky toe that looks like it’s going to be snapped off at any moment by her cage-like high heels? Or should I go for the all too obvious Miss Haversham joke given the starlet’s rumored engagement to Justin Timberlake?

This lace frock does nothing for a woman whose body could best be described as “bangin’.” About the only thing that it has going for it is the sexy back, but not even that can make up for the things that this dress lacks.  Let’s all pray that the gorgeous Biel ditches the halo of darkness and remembers that she’s a hot girl, not a hot mess come Oscar time.

Piper Perabo in Theysken’s Theory

The star of Beverly Hills Chihuahua donned a dress the color and opacity of dishwater for her turn down the red carpet.  The dress was also as big as a sorority house and as revealing as a fraternity wet t-shirt contest.  The unwieldy gown also had to be lifted, carried, bent and subdued just so that Perabo could walk, stand and sit without complication.  

In addition to the unflattering shape, the color of the gown combined with the neutral/nude makeup to give Perabo an icy, morgue-like quality.  The gown was, in short, a diaphanous disaster. 

Sarah Michelle Gellar in Monique Lhuillier

The rumor is that SMG let her 2-year-old daughter choose her gown for her.  Perhaps it wasn’t the best idea to let a toddler who hasn’t yet learned to color inside the lines select her dress because this gown could best be described as a tie-dyed Rohrshach test.  And for such a tiny woman, the proportions of the dress make her look like a Barbie doll birthday cake.

Jessica Chastain in Givenchy 

Such a fabulous actress deserves a fabulous dress.  Sadly, this dress is too tight and too pale to qualify.  It hugs in all the wrong places and made the actress’s ample cleavage look like a sagging uniboob.  What a waste.  And on top of all of that, the style mullet she is sporting made me cringe.  As the Southerners would say, “Well, bless her heart, she just tried so hard.”

Zooey Deschanel in custom Prada

The pixelated bodice of this dress would be suitable for the red carpet if we were hosting the Globes in the land of Tron.  Combined the nightmarish neon color palette with the 1970s hairdo complete with bouffant sideburns, and you have a look made in an adorkable corner of Hell.  

And, Zooey, any woman old enough to have crow’s feet is too old to paint little tuxedos on her finger nails.  Oh, the twee of it all!

Lea Michelle in Marchesa

Once the purveyor of sequined, tulle gowns for all ages, Marchesa’s designs have taken an odd turn in recent years.  Take this creation, which embodies the flash of Studio 54 and the feathery carnage of a quail hunt.  Not even the Glee star’s narcissistic posing fiesta on the red carpet could save this gown from the worst dressed list.

But while these were all terrible in their own right, my worst dressed of the night was…drumroll please…

Julie Bowen in Reem Acra

First off, the peachy color of this gown mixed with the bleach blonde locks and lightly spray tanned skin is a complete washout.  

Secondly, this dress, while not the worst of the night overall, was my worst of the worst for a very special reason.  You see, Olivia Wilde wore this very gown in platinum to the 2008 Emmy Awards and it is still my favorite look of all time. So to see it’s glossy perfection ruined by a bastardized version is especially horrifying to me.

A word to the wise Julie Bowen, if you’re going to do a red carpet repeat, you better wear that gown better than the original or else your attempt will be a horrifying flop.  #teamwildeforever