Like most Americans, I don’t watch the SAG awards.  That’s why they’re on TNT, the channel dedicated to reruns of Angel and Las Vegas, and not a network.  But halfway through the show, people started tweeting at me about how great the dresses were, so I decided to take a look.

Tis true that the ratio of good gowns to hideous monstrosities was much better.  This begs the question, are they learning from their mishaps or is this a cruel joke to make me hope for a glamorous Oscar carpet?  There’s no way to know.  So let’s treat the SAG awards to their very own red carpet rundown using reviews of three sentences or less.

Jennifer Lawrence in Dior

The dress fits nicely, but isn’t terribly exciting.  The hair is wilted and depressing.  More proof that burgundy lips aren’t for everyone. Just found out JLaw had pneumonia, so I have nothing but respect for her making the effort. I’ve had pneumonia, it’s horrific.

Kerry Washington in Rodarte

Perhaps the only Rodarte gown I’ve ever truly loved.  The bodice is sublime.  Would have appreciated a bit more fullness in the hairdo.

Anne Hathaway in Giambatista Valli

Oh goodie, a dress that doesn’t touch the floor (I don’t understand this trend towards tea length.).  In my opinion, it’s just another frock by Sybil that can’t decide if it’s short or long.  Her hair and makeup look really fresh and lovely.

Jessica Chastain in Alexander McQueen

A much better dress than the Globes, and the neckline is pretty and interesting.  However, the necklace looks like it came from the prom jewelry section at Claire’s.  And any person born before 1992 will be unable to look past the obvious Jessica Rabbit homage.

Naomi Watts in Marchesa

The finger waves, the pale grey, lace column gown and the just-right pink lip are a vision.  And the cabochon stone in that ring is extraordinary.

Want to read more of my quick thoughts on the SAG Awards and see my picks for best and worst dressed?  They’re after the jump.

Elizabeth Moss in Dolce & Gabbana

If you’re going to wear a short dress, this is how you do it, with Dolce and flair.

Mayim Bialik

It cannot be easy to find red carpet attire when you’re an “aspiring modern Orthodox” Jew.  But this dress keeps her covered, looks fab and even gives the appearance of a waist on a very straight torso.  The makeup looks nice too.

Kiernan Shipka in OdlR

It’s a terrible tragedy when someone who isn’t even old enough to have a driver’s liense knows more about style and dressing appropriately than the professionals paid to dress Jessica Chastain, Kaley Cuoco and Halle Berry.

Katrina Bowden in Badgley Mischka

I have no idea who you are, but I love this dress.  The are deco applique and soft color are divine.  I hope you become more famous so you can sway the balance of ugly dresses to pretty dresses in the right direction on future red carpets.

Julianna Marguiles 

I want to like this look, I do–but the bow tied at the waist of a thoroughly modern gown is distracting me.  Plus, I’m over slits and slit-posing. Love the shoes and hair though.

Jayma Mays in Georges Hobeika Atelier

The texture on this gown, with the cascading floral applique is really beautiful.  The neckline is just right for her, and keeping everything else (jewelry, hair) simple, really works for her.

Lea Michelle in Valentino

My thoughts are in order of occurrence: Is Glee still on the air?  Dip-dyed hair is so 2011, gross.  When you’re the size of a Hobbit, you shouldn’t wear a ruffled peasant skirt.  And, Glee is still on the air, are you sure?

Ellie Kemper in Reem Acra

Mint is really her color.  With the alabaster skin and red hair, the look is ethereal and gorgeous.

Julie Bowen in Johanna Johnson

Cate Blanchett would look edgy in a leather gown.  Julie Bowen looks a bit like she’s playing dress up.  And while the eye makeup is perfectly done, the messy gym ponytail makes me want to cry.

So who was my worst dressed of the night? It was a tie between…

Claire “early-90s Goth, burgundy lip of death” Danes in Givenchy.

And…

Rose “Laura Ashley presents Little House on the Prairie” Byrne in Valentino and the flattest, stiffest finger waves I have ever seen.

As for my best dressed, that was also a tie between…

Nina Dobrev in Elie Saab

This dress is the definition of relaxed elegance. I love the punchy color and drop earrings, and she is wearing exactly the right cheek color for her slightly tan skin.

Amanda Seyfried in Zac Posen

At this moment, I want to be her.  The dress, the necklace, the hair, the eye makeup…it’s all positively divine.  This ensemble is on my top five best red carpet looks of all time.

All of the photos were from HuffPost and Getty.  They have dozens more on their site, you should check them out.

This year, due to the lackluster choices on the red carpet, I decided to do away with the close-but-no-cigar post.  There were lots of “meh” choices–including Kristen Bell who looked like her gown was strangling her, Taylor Swift whose dress was drama in the back and 1997 prom dress from the front.  There were a few choices that I liked but that had fit issues–Anne Hathaway whose white Chanel dress was a bit matronly, Jen Garner whose bust looked squashed and Jennifer Lawrence whose breasts looked misshapen–but there was nothing I felt motivated to showcase.

With so much ugly to sift through, it was difficult to choose gowns that could qualify for a best dressed list.  At no point was I wow’ed or awe’ed.  I “liked” a few gowns.  I thought a couple were pretty.  But the only emotions that I experienced with any consistency were dismay and stultifying boredom.  Here are the handful of gowns that garnered middling approval, a slight smile or a positive remark.

Isla Fisher in Reem Acra

This dress is by no means a stunner, but it has potential.  The sheer neckline is lovely and the long, rectangular stones cascading down the dress are a chic way to wear sequins.  The hair could have used a bit more styling–because while the gowns on the carpet may have been terrible, the abundant finger-waved coifs were sublime–the dress was delightful.

Olivia Munn in Armani

The beaded turquoise bodice, sleek updo and fresh makeup made this ensemble one of the most modern, elegant choices of the night.  I probably would have skipped the blinging necklace, but the rest of the look was fantastic.

Naomi Watts in Zac Posen

There were a lot of peek-a-boo or keyhole necklines on the red carpet, but Naomi’s was the only one that wasn’t too revealing (Eva Longoria) or too gauche (Kate Hudson).  I also love the open back, the figure-framing details and the train.  I’m a sucker for a train.

Oh, and the earrings, the earrings were magnificent.  My favorite thing I saw all night.

Helen Mirren in Badgley Mischka

This entire look is perfectly curated.  The dress with the gold accents and waist-defining seams, the earrings with onyx lacquer and yellow gold, the curled, slightly messy updo.  At 67, Mirren blew women 1/3 her age out of the water.  And if you want a dress with same figure-framing side details, Shelli Segal has a short one that is pretty fantastic.

Jessica Alba in Oscar de la Renta

Alba’s coral gown is a stunner.  Well, Alba is a stunner no matter what she is wearing, but this fitted gown really helps.  I love the way the necklace compliments the neckline of the gown, and the way her lipstick coordinates with the dress’s color but doesn’t match exactly.  This dress would have been my best look of the night had it not been for the feathered clutch.  It looks like Alba shaved one of the Muppets and hot glued his fur to her bag.  

Since Alba missed the mark due to crimes against the residents of Sesame Street, my best dressed attendee was…

Hayden Panettiere in Roberto Cavalli

All night, Miss M and I looked at horrible gowns and yelled, “Can you believe that dress is Calvin Klein/Armani/Valentino?”  Hayden’s pale pink gown was the only dress that caused us to yell, “Can you believe that this is Roberto Cavalli?” because the dress was dainty and pretty, instead of Cavalli’s signature printed and garish.

This dress fits her perfectly.  The tiered chiffon layers and mermaid shape hug her body beautifully.  And the simple jewels, pretty shimmering makeup and bright pink box clutch really bring the look home.

I can’t say enough good things about this dress.  It really brightened an otherwise miserable red carpet pre-show.

So were there any gowns that you loved, or any that you just liked?

P.S: Most of the photos in this post came from Getty Images, one came from Fab Sugar (Naomi Watts) and the top photo came from Just Jared.

Disappointing. Hideous. Heartbreaking. Blech.  Words to describe the 2013 Golden Globes Red Carpet.  

After the 2012 Emmy’s Red Carpet was mostly barren of beauty, I thought, “Don’t worry, it will get better. The Globes and Oscars are coming.”  But last night proved that just because you wish for it won’t make it so.  And unlike so many fashion bloggers, commenters and TV personalities, I am not, NOT going to pretend that I was wow’ed by any of the gowns I saw.

No amount of alcohol could make watching one disheartening dress after another come down the carpet.  I would say to Miss M, “We still haven’t seen (fill in the name of typically well-dressed actress, here), there’s no need to panic.” And then, that actress would emerge from her black sedan in a shockingly lackluster gown, and I would refill my glass. Again, and again, and again. 

While there was a flood of ugliness to choose from for this year’s Golden Globes Worst Dressed List, I opted to include only those actresses who should banish their stylists to the unemployment line.  Thus, I present, the Golden Globes 2013: Stylists Who Should be Tarred and Feathered List.

Rachel Weisz in Louis Vuitton

If you want to wear a short dress, then wear a short dress.  Don’t staple two yards of sheer fabric to the bottom and pretend that you’re wearing a gown!

  Plus, I’m so bored with this that it actually hurts me.  Because you would think that as the wife of one British hottie, Daniel Craig, aka James Bond, she could take it up a notch. The only thing about this look I like is the snake bangle, but it seems totally out of place next to the sheer polka dots and prissy bow.

(For more examples of how half-sheer dresses are awful, see also Kerry Washington, who not only decided that a see through gown was a great idea, but also opted for a dress cut above her ankles like a pair of K-Mart capri pants.  It looked like someone trimmed her dress with a child’s craft scissor.)

Marion Cotillard in Christian Dior

“Business on the right, party on the left,” is how Miss M described this asymmetric burnt-orange dress.  Add the boring, flat hair, the lack of ear jewelry and a pair of pointed-toe Dyeables pumps–and what we have is an outfit with so many mismatched elements that you don’t know where to look, but everywhere you turn, all you see is sadness.

Lena Dunham in Zac Posen

I imagine that in a business filled with impossibly thin actresses and models, it must be difficult for a woman of a double-digit size to find a pretty, well-fitting gown.  But Octavia Spencer does it, and Lena has done it before, so there is really no excuse for the poor fit and blah-effect of this strangely-shaped gown.  It’s like a bad Mother of the Bride dress, and Posen should be ashamed of himself.

Halle Berry in Versace

How does a woman who wore one of the most epic red carpet dresses of all time, this Elie Saab, decide that a graphic-printed one-shoulder with cutouts and nude pointy toe shoes is a good idea?  It’s like knowing that Ben Affleck is capable of Argo and Good Will Hunting, but having to acknowledge that he also made Daredevil and Gigli.  She should have saved her BET Honors dress for the Globes.

Jessica Chastain in Calvin Klein

Jessica Chastain is an amazing actress, but when it comes to red carpet gowns, she is habitually disappointing.  The droopy bodice, the incorrectly applied double-stick tape and the slicked back hair make her look disheveled and unkempt.  Yank up the neckline and give the hair a Rita Hayworth flip, and it would be a lot better. But as is, it’s a Kafka-esque nightmare, hopefully, she experiences a metamorphosis prior to the Oscars.

Julianne Hough in Monique Lhuillier

The faux-hawk is vaguely reminiscent of a Gwen Stefani/Pink hybrid.  And as much as I hate to say it, Miley does the pretend-punk hair better.  And don’t get me started on how her jewelry was made from real dead bugs dipped in liquid metal.  

I would have at least given the dress a thumbs up, except for the giant, Anne Boleyn-style skirt.  There were so many Tudor-inspired skirts on the carpet, I have expected Jonathan Rhys-Myers to ride past the camera on horseback.

These gowns were bad, but the worst dress of the night award goes to…

Lucy Liu in Carolina Herrera

There were a LOT of full-skirted dressed on the red carpet (see Zooey Deschanel, see Julia Louis Dreyfus, etc.), but none overwhelmed the wearer quite like this floral tapestry dress.  Even the impeccable fit (it was one of the few dresses all night that truly fit) could not save the gown from the bedspread print.  It looks like Carolina Herrera ran out of fabric and decided to skin Laura Ashley.

And because one worst-dressed is not enough to capture the horrors of the 2013 Globes carpet, we have a special “When Makeup Artists Attack” edition…

Kaley Cuoco in Zuhair Murad

Her dress is meh. Some liked it, some didn’t. But what floored me was the Marilyn Manson-esque makeup, which proves that not every woman can pull off burgundy lipstick.  

Not only does it age her by 10 years, but it masks her identity (Miss M thought she was Sharon Stone).  Were I not obsessed with all things Big Bang Theory (Penny! Penny! Penny!), I would not have known who she was.  

This year’s Globes was essentially a parade of loathsome gowns, so if I missed any that you thought were especially awful, feel free to share in the comments.  I need to finish this bottle of Sangria and pray that the good gowns are all being saved for the Oscars.  I’m such a glutton for punishment.

P.S.: All of the photos came from Getty Images via E!.